


House of Memories

by MXYDXY



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, ereri, riren - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2018-07-12 23:20:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 34,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7127804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MXYDXY/pseuds/MXYDXY
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>“You know when you're drowning, you don't actually inhale until right before you black out. Its called ‘voluntary apnea’. It's like, no matter how much you're freaking out, the instinct to not let any water in is so strong that you won't open your mouth until you feel like your head's exploding...</em><br/>
<br/>
<em>It's like it's a panic attack. You know, like I can't even breathe.”</em><br/>
<br/>
<em>— “Like you're drowning?”</em><br/>
<br/>
<em>“Yeah...</em><br/>
<br/>
<em>But then when you finally do let it in, that's when it stops hurting. It's not scary anymore, it's... it's actually kinda peaceful.”</em><br/>
<br/>
<em>—“If it's about survival, isn't a little agony worth it?”</em><br/>
<br/>
<em>“But what if it just gets worse? What if it's agony now, and then it's just</em> hell <em>later on?”</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Drag of Therapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work will contain a lot of possible triggers (such as self-harm, suicide, domestic abuse, other violence, eating disorders, etc.), if that makes you uncomfortable, then don't read this. If certain triggers will be inside particular chapters, I'll issue a trigger warning at the beginning, specifying what applies for the chapter.

“Levi...” A voice I recognized, spoken low like a borderline mumble — barely audible.

I ignored it, keeping my eyes shut.

It was better like this: eyes shut so I saw nothing, just pitch black nothingness. It was better to keep my eyes shut and pretend the world outside doesn't exist—it's just me, alone, in this darkness. It's just me, alone, feeling like this. It was better to stay inside my head, creating beautiful arrays of colors and imagining the most exquisite of stories. It was better to be able to control everything that went on inside; if I wanted a once upon a time with a happily ever after, then I got it; if I wanted a tragedy with the upmost pain and suffering — even if inflicted upon myself — then I got it. The point being, I liked to be able to control it. To control _something_.

I never want to stop this. This, my daydreams, and my dreams in which I'm actually asleep — they're both far better than my reality. I never want to open my eyes. I never want to wake up.

I always refer this situation to a quote I read, ah, maybe a few dozen “too many” times by Ned Vizzini: “I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”

I constantly wake up into the same nightmare on repeat that is my life. Cliché as hell, I know, but it's the best description I've got as of yet — which, really, actually happens to be _years_ instead of a more recent date than what one would expect from the words “as of yet.”

“Levi.” It was louder this time, though not overwhelmingly so; just above a “normal” speaking voice, not loud enough to be classified as a yell quite yet.

Again, I ignored it, though I could feel my face scrunch up slightly from annoyance. I couldn't decide if that was me actually doing that, or just a kind of “reflex” — the word's in quotation marks because I use that word loosely as I am still trying to decide if that's the word I want. I guess it'll suffice.

“Levi!” There it goes. The shouting voice to grab my attention, only used as a kind of “last resort.” I knew it was in there somewhere!

I inhaled deeply, slowly opening my eyes to look up, blankly, at the off-white ceiling above me. I turned my head to look at the woman dead in the eyes, irritation presented on my face. “Maker you're annoying...” I breathed, turning my head to look back up at the ceiling. I was laying in a small couch, legs crossed and hanging over one armrest, while my head was on a pillow propped up on the antithetical armrest, my hands laying on my stomach.

“I was trying to ask you some questions but you're being especially difficult today.”

“I told him I didn't want to come in today.” I said with a shrug, glancing at the woman. “Not my fault.”

“Levi I'm—”

“Getting tired of me?”

The woman let out an exasperated breath. If that wasn't a sigh of disappointment, I don't know what is. “I'm trying to help you.” she said. “You know, however long it takes.”

“Yeah? And what if I don't need ‘help’?” I grumbled, sitting up and rolling my legs off the armrest and bringing them down to plant the bottoms of my shoes in the ground. “Quit treating me like a toddler,” I leaned in towards her slightly, lowering my gaze into a glare. “I can handle myself just fine.”

“You wouldn't be attending these sessions if you didn't need help.”

“I'm only attending these sessions because my uncle makes me. If it were up to me—”

“If it were up to you, you'd be dead right now. If not now, then soon.”

I scoffed, rolling my eyes as I went to look around the room, blinking slowly, tiredly. Or maybe I cant say “tiredly,” because I'm not actually tired, I was just going for giving off my sense of boredom in this situation.

“Your uncle's doing what's best for you.”

“What's best for me?” I echoed, chuckling bitterly. “Okay, no, I'll just humor you for a bit here.” I returned my deadly gaze to her, neutral expression on display, though my belligerent tone was against her. “Let's say he _does_ care for me, okay? — that's what you implied in that statement — then it's only because he's required to by the government. But if I were to be a little less cynical, then I could say it's because I almost died.” I huffed, sitting up straighter. “If he cared about me at any given point in time, he's got a pretty shitty way of showing it.”

I watched as the woman jotted something down. Reading upside down is easy. Reading this woman's sloppy cursive is practically rocket science. I made out a couple words before she finished and put her hands on top of the paper, looking back up at me.

“Alright, you've made it abundantly clear that you have a strong disliking towards him—”

“No, what's abundantly clear is he's a piece of shit!”

“Why do you feel that way about him?”

I kept silent, just moving a bit in the seat. It remained quiet for several moments before I finally spoke up, ignoring her question. “Has it been an hour yet?”

She sighed, looking down at her watch before looking back up at me. “No.”

“Well, how much longer then?”

“You start school soon, don't you?”

Ah, she can play the question-ignoring game, too...

“Next week, yeah.”

“How does that make you feel? Anxious...? Scared...? Excited...?”

“Nothing. I don't necessarily feel any positive or negative emotions about it.”

“What grade are you going into?”

“I'll be a junior... Hopefully graduating early.”

“How many more credits do you need?”

“Four. Just one semester. Or, I could split it up so I have free blocks in between. Though I can't decide if I want to get the hell out of there as soon as possible, or if I want to make the classes as least stressful as possible. ”

“Well, whatever works for you, right?”

“Mm...”

A long pause.

“Do you think there will come a time in these sessions that you speak openly with me?”

“What do you mean?” I knew what she was getting at, just wanted to...

“Where you're honest, about emotions...—”

Probably not...

 _Definitely_ not.

“Maybe.” I mumbled.

“Is that false hope you're giving me?”

I smirked. “Maybe.”

The thing about my smirk and answer is it can work both ways. She can take whatever the hell she wants out of it. I don't care. But it sounds good enough to work as a positive maybe. In other words — yes, I _am_ giving her false hope.

“Okay.” She breathed, though it sounded like it was more so a sigh. She looked back at her watch looking back at me. “Anything else for me? Questions? C—”

I shot up out of my seat, already going for the door. “Nope.”

She stood up, walking just behind me as we walked out of the office, then down a couple hallways, through another door... Then back into the lobby. My uncle stood right as we walked in, walking up to us. “I'll be seeing you next week?”

“Yeah...” A sigh from my Uncle.

“Yep...” A groan from me.

My uncle and I turned to leave, walking out the double glass doors. 

Nothing was said. The only sound exchanged between us was the sound of our shoes hitting sidewalk then asphalt, followed by a click as he unlocked the truck and the sound of two vehicle doors opening and closing as we both plopped inside, then an engine starting up.

A quiet ride home with a toxic atmosphere, as per usual.

Or, rather, that's what I _expected_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (More characters and relationships to be added as I go.)
> 
> Also, summary is a quote/scene from Teen Wolf. I don't watch that show anymore (I got to Allison's death and a little after, but stopped) so please don't ask about episodes and such XD I hardly remember what happened through the series anyway.
> 
> Thank you for reading and please note that I probably won't update this daily but eh, we'll see what happens.


	2. A Puff of Hostility

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi goes home and has some company over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're against weed, then don't read this or, really, any further cause this will contain a lot of smoking, underage drinking, and all the like.

“So then,”

I tilted my head back and to the side slightly, looking at the man driving scrutinizingly.

“How many sessions does that make this now?”

Good question. I don't know. But let's try to guesstimate, shall we? It's August, and I started seeing Hange back in February once a week. Six months, four weeks... “Twenty-four?” I murmured allowed, turning my head to look back out the window.

“Has it even helped?”

Option one: lie, give him hope by comforting him with a lie. Option two: be honest, strike him down, hurt him with the truth. “No.” I said simply. But, let's face it, he wouldn't feel “hurt”. No, he never does. Rather, he'll end up being pissed off because—

“So I've been wasting my money for half a year on these sessions?”

There it is: he'll be pissed of because he's wasted his time and money on me with no results.

“Goddammit...” I noticed he gripped the wheel tighter, shoulders getting tense as he just continued to stare at the road, narrowing his eyes, brows furrowed downward.

“Along with the medication that—”

“That I don't take.”

“ _What?_ ”

I shrugged. “I took it when I went into the hospital. I spit it out right after I was away from the counter. They found out and watched me take it and made sure I swallowed. I ended up taking it for a week or two when I got out...” I paused, exhaling deeply. “I noticed I wasn't myself on that shit, among other things...”

“Why didn't you just tell me you weren't taking it?”

I replied with a shrug.

“Fuckin' hell...”

Surprisingly, he didn't raise his voice all that much. He didn't haul off and yell at me or anything. I guess it went well. But I probably wouldn't know for sure until we got home — _if_ we got home.

“I'm just going to stop getting it then.”

“Can I stop going to therapy, too?”

He looked over at me for awhile before sighing as he settled his eyes back on the road. “Fine. I'll just say we're seeing another therapist.”

Shit, I don't care what he feeds them, as long as I don't have to go again, I'm good.

I reached to one of the cup holders, grabbing the pack of cigarettes that was nestled inside, taking one out. My uncle glanced at me, reaching a hand out. I got another and put it in his hand, sticking my own cigarette in between my lips, grabbing a metal lighter in the same cup holder, flicking it on and lighting my cigarette, inhaling the smoke and exhaling as I kept the thing in my mouth, biting down lightly on the butt of it. I reached over to my uncle, holding the lighter at the end of his cigarette until it was lil before I flipped the lighter shut and placed it back in the cup holder.

I held the cigarette with my index and middle finger, taking a long drag and pulling it out of my mouth to exhale. I guess there were 3 things I liked about my uncle: he lets me drink alcohol and willingly buys it for me if I ask; he lets me smoke cigarettes and would willingly buy it for me if I asked, but he already gets them all the time; he lets me smoke weed and gives me money to buy it (since he doesn't know a dealer), and even gets high with me sometimes; the list is open for additions, but those are all I have right now.

The duration of that car ride ended up being rather quiet. Which was a first in awhile, given I totally — ahem — wasted his time and money.

  


* * *

  


We finally stopped and parked in the driveway and I eagerly hopped out of the truck, shutting the vehicle door and making haste for the front door. I forgot that it wasn't unlocked when I reached for the knob and just stepped to the side, annoyed, but still patiently waited for my uncle to get up to the door and unlock it.

The man only had his keys in hand, only because the pack of cigarettes and that lighter stayed in the truck. He kept a pack inside, along with a lighter. The only thing he kept away from “public use” was his little collection of bowls, which were stored in his room. I was allowed to use them if I wanted to, though I really don't typically use them, since I have my own bong and stash of weed hidden in my room, but they were just there so that they were hidden enough from the living room, kitchen, and other “guest” areas.

Guests didn't go typically into his bedroom anyway, though a select two people were exceptions. And the only guests that went into my room were my two friends, Furlan and Isabel. They were trustworthy of that much, speaking as though we've been friends for three years now and have had countless smoking and drinking sessions anyway. Hell, even Kenny liked the two of them and didn't particularly care if they went in his room — which they only did to get the bowls or some more weed anyway. They are those two exceptions. They're basically family.

We both walked inside and Kenny immediately went down to plop onto the couch, laying in such a manner that I recognized as his regular napping position.

“I'm having them come over, by the way.” He already knew who “they” were: Furlan and Isabel. They came over so often that I could just say it like that and he'd know. In fact, they practically lived here with how much they came over. Plus, it's not like I have other friends I would invite over.

“Spending the night?” He called to me, seeing as though I walked down the hall to my room, opening the door.

“Yeah.” I called back, actually walking inside and leaving the door open just a crack.

I climbed up onto my bed, sitting at the head of it, leaning to the side to grab my bong that was nestled in between my bed and trash can. I sat myself criss-crossed, bong in my lap, and reached for a box on the second-lowest shelf of my bookshelf, setting it down on the mattress. I opened the box, grabbing my bag of weed and opening it, taking a few pinches (enough to fill the bowl) before placing the bag back in the box, grabbing my white and blue colored winged lighter.

I had put my mouth over the mouthpiece, lighter hovering over the rim of the bowl, when my phone vibrated in my pocket. I flicked the lighter on, holding it at the rim, inhaling the smoke for a few seconds before pulling the slider out, continuing to inhale the remaining bit of smoke to clear the chamber.

I pulled myself away from the mouthpiece, holding the bong with one hand as I reached in my pocket for my phone, swiping the screen and looking at the message sent to me from Isabel.

_[Would you mind if my cousin came along today?]_

_[Your cousin?]_

_[Yeah. His family came into town but, like, the adults all wanted to go out to some bar or whatever and I would have to stay home. But, parents forgot about plans we had to hang out. His parents didn't want to totally terminate them, so I'm asking if he could go, too.]_

_[I totally just started hitting the bong...]_

I was about to type out another message, but she beat me to it.

_[Oh yeah, he's okay with that kind'a thing. He doesn't do it himself, but he swears he won't tell.]_

_[You believe that?]_

_[He's an honest kid.]_

I felt as though I should talk to my uncle, but he was already passed out. So I just figured I'd say “Fuck it”.

_[If you trust him I guess... But are you still going to spend the night?]_

_[Could Eren?]_

_[Nah. He's just going to have to go back to your house, but you'll stay.]_  
_[Is that seriously a question?]_

_[Haha! Okay, okay! I'll get back to you on him spending the night.]_

I set my phone down, messages still opened. I went to take another hit from the bong. Just as I cleared it, Isabel messaged back.

_[Yeah. He can. They would've probably said no but parents brought up that we've been friends for years. But anyway, we'll be over soon!]_

I set the bong on the ground, figuring I'd take a break from it and let Furlan and Isabel catch up with me. I closed the box, setting it to the side on the bookshelf, lighter right beside it. I slid off my bed, walking out of my room and down the hallway to the kitchen. I opened the pantry, grabbing a half-eaten bag of chips, a box of brownies, and a couple bags of candy. Really, the house was totally filled with munchie food.

I placed the items on my bed, walking back to the kitchen and opening the fridge, grabbing a bottle of soda. Just as I stood up straight and opened the bottle, the front door opened and Furlan was at my side in a split second, hand on my shoulder as he leaned into the fridge.

Like I said, they practically live here, so it was normal for them to just walk in.

The kid grabbed a bottle of soda for himself before stepping back, opening the bottle and taking a gulp, patting my back as he went to walk down to my room. I shut the fridge, walking just behind him.

“Bong's on the floor there.” I said, pointing off to the side where my bookshelf was, turning my back towards him to turn the TV on and grab the remote. I climbed back onto the bed, sitting next to the other boy, criss-crossed. I handed him my lighter, setting my drink down on a shelf as he went to hit the bong. I had the remote, flipping through channels.

Furlan had taken four hits and I had taken three by the time I heard a couple voices in the hall, followed by my door opening. Isabel walked inside, plopping face-down on the bed, arms sprawled out to the side, while the other kid behind her just stood in the door way awkwardly. He held a bag in his hands; I guessed a change of clothes.

I guessed that the two walked here, judging by Isabel just plopping down on the bed like that. She was probably tired. It wasn't a long distance, maybe just under 3 miles, but it was still tiring. Or maybe it wasn't a long distance for me since I worked out on a daily basis. I guess 10 miles for me is like 2 miles for a normal person...

I went to look at Furlan who had just finished hitting the bong and was handing it over to me, though he was staring hard at the kid, which only compelled me to look at him too. He looked like a deer caught in headlights, probably scared shitless and overall anxious, being in an unfamiliar house with unfamiliar people staring him down.

“Y'know...” I murmured, leaning forward to pat Isabel's back, trying to get her up. “You _can_ sit down...” The kid looked at me, biting his bottom lip before going to sit down in my desk chair, setting the bag down next to him.

Isabel sat up, letting out an exasperated breath. She scooted closer to me and Furlan. I held the bong out for her and she took it, already going to put her mouth over the mouthpiece. I flicked the lighter on for her (because for some reason she can't figure out how to do it herself) and she was breathing in. I pulled my hand away, watching as she pulled out the slide and cleared it. “I think that's a record.” Furlan said with a light chuckle.

“What?”

“That's the longest you've hit it, and you cleared it pretty well. I mean, without coughing and shit.”

She just shook her head, a slight smile crossing her face, leaning back down to take another hit. She had tried the same thing as before, but ended up coughing near the end. I took control and put my mouth over my mouth piece, pulling the slider out and clearing it.

“See, that's what happens when you get cocky with it.” Furlan said.

“Hey! I thought if I could do it once, I could do it twice! It's not me being cocky!”

“You just haven't smoked enough...” Furlan shrugged.

“I've been smoking as long as you have!” 

“It's not like it's a competition...” I murmured, setting the bong in my lap and going to pack another bowl.

“Could it?” Isabel asked with a smirk.

“Hm?” I moved my eyes to glance at Isabel before looking back down, continuing to pack the bowl.

“Let's have a competition, the three of us, see who can hit it the longest, the most, without coughing, and without tapping out.”

“Tapping out” meant handing it off to someone else to clear.

“I'm down.” Furlan said, then two pairs of eyes were on me.

“Fine. Sure. Whatever...” I mumbled.

I placed the box back down on the shelf, taking a quick gulp of my drink, then went to put my mouth over my mouthpiece when a voice stopped me right as I was about to light it.

“C-can I join?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As ages go, I imagine it like this:  
> Kenny: late 30s  
> Levi: 17, turning 18 (December)  
> Furlan: 17, turning 18 (April)  
> Isabel: 17 (just barely turned in July)  
> Eren: 16, turning 17 (March)


	3. A Toke of Uneasiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group plays the “game” and the results were unexpected.
> 
> Furlan says something about Eren that gets both Eren and Isabel a little on edge — Levi notices this and helps to shut it down.
> 
> Eren suggests an idea that Levi feels uneasy about, but agrees to anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More weed, yay!  
> Proceed with the alcohol, yay!  
> I am not a good role model, yay!

Isabel had taken Furlans drink and ended up choking. Furlan took his drink back and set it down on the nightstand, patting the girls back. When she recovered, she whipped around to give Eren a look. I knew she was about to speak out against it, but I beat her to the punch. 

“If he wants to smoke, let him. Not my fault if he ruptures a lung coughing, though...”

Then it was me who got Isabel's _look_.

“You said earlier he wasn't against it, per say, he just didn't do it. What's the issue now if he feels like trying it?”

“He's practically a child!”

I waved my hand off. “Oh, don't try to act like you're a responsible babysitter.” I looked to the kid momentarily, “You watching?” He nodded. I put my mouth back over the mouthpiece and lit the bowl, inhaling deeply. I pulled the slider out, continuing to inhale until I cleared the chamber, returning the slider to its spot.

“You get it?”

He nodded quickly.

“Alright, c'mere, Eren.” I said, holding the bong on the mattress just a little ways in front of me.

The kid stood up, walking over to the bed and gripping the bong. I didn't release my own hold, just looked up at him in a way that almost said “Are you serious?”

This kid was not about to stand up and walk around with my bong. Little fucker would probably break it.

He looked at me then, letting go and just continuing to stare at me. I leaned forward, not breaking eye contact, patting at the surface of my bed, gesturing for him to sit down.

He appeared to be hesitant but did so anyway, sitting beside Isabel, criss-crossed. So, really, at this point, _everyone_ was sitting criss-crossed. I think it's the most comfortable way to smoke like this, unless I wanted to spread my legs out and... Yeah. No. I do not. I _will_ not.

I finally let the kid take the bong and place it in his lap. He had one hand on the length of it, the other holding the lighter. Just before he went to light it, I made sure to mention “Don't light it from the center, go for the rim. Seriously. If you light it from the center I might just have to kill you.”

“He's kidding by the way.” Isabel added.

“But he probably won't let you hit it again.”

“Not gonna waste weed on some kid who's just gonna cash it.” I murmured, sitting up.

I watched as the kid flicked the lighter on, holding it close to the rim and inhaling. I don't even think he inhaled a full 3 seconds before he pulled away and started coughing and hacking “Not my fault if he ruptures a lung.” I said with a smirk, watching as Isabel took over, clearing what was left— which was practically an entire hit. Isabel handed the bong off to Furlan.

“Not my fault... I'm freakin' coughing...! This is my first time.”

“Ah, so you're Baby Lungs. Alright.” I nodded before fixing my gaze on the other male, patting his shoulder with the back of my hand. “Go ahead then.”

“What does that mean?”

“It's, um, just kind of a way of calling you a newbie basically.” Isabel said before adding, a little quieter. “In a borderline mildly offensive way.”

“ _Basically_.” I said, taking the bong as Furlan handed it to me, making a few muffled coughing sounds. I glanced at him, taking the lighter. “Oh, don't get out the first round there.”

“What about that kid? He was already coughing up half a lung!” He said, a light cough at the end.

“It's his first time. It can't be helped.”

“He just doesn't wanna lose to Eren or me.”

“Shut up.”

I took a long hit from the bong, clearing it with ease. We all may have been smoking for 3 years, but I smoked everyday. Isabel and Furlan smoked 1-3 times a week, depending on how much we hung out.

  


* * *

  


Since we didn't count Eren's coughing against him, he ended up getting pretty far. So the order for people getting out ended up being:  
Furlan, Isabel, Eren, Me.

“I can't believe I fucking lost to Baby Lungs...” Furlan grumbled, taking a slow gulp from his drink.

“You lost to me, too.” Isabel murmured, holding a hand out to me, I handed her my drink.

“Surprised he got passed both of you.” I let out a faux sigh. “Consider me very disappointed...”

“It's 'cause we weren't counting his coughing!”

I shrugged, taking the drink back from Isabel when she took her couple of sips. “No one said anything against it at the very beginning...”

They went quiet because they knew I was right.

I looked over to Eren who appeared to have gotten totally distracted, staring down at my bed sheets. “Oi.” I shook his shoulder a bit and his head shot up to look at me. “You want a drink?”

I was okay with drinking from the same drink with Furlan and Isabel. Like I said, they're family, just not by blood. Eren was not family. Just some kid who just so happened to come over as a tag-along...

“Holy shit...”

I looked over to Furlan. “What?”

“You're offering to give him a drink.”

“Okay, and?”

“You don't do that with people.”

I rolled my eyes. “He's gained superiority over you two for the night since he beat you guys at your own little game.”

“I blame Eren being here.” Furlan mumbled.

“Why?” I questioned.

“He threw me off my game!” He complained. “If Isabel hadn't brought him—”

“I had to bring him.” She interrupted, although quietly.

I raised an eyebrow, looking at Isabel before my eyes settled themselves on Eren. He was staring at Isabel before lowering his gaze onto the bed, almost like he was utterly ashamed.

“How old is he? Fifteen?”

“Sixteen.”

“ _Sixteen_. I'm sure he doesn't need to be babysat.”

“Shut it.”

“Why?”

“Furlan, drop it.” I said, shooting a look at him that told him to shut the fuck up. Furlan looked at me.

“ _Why?_ ”

Are you—Are you fucking serious right now? 3 years you've known me and have gotten this look countless times before and you just...

“Shut the fuck up about it.” I said, voice dropping into a more aggressive tone.

It didn't take a genius to figure it out. Eren couldn't be left alone. He literally couldn't; wasn't allowed. Why that is, I couldn't guess, because it could be one of a hundred reasons. Either way, Isabel was pretty serious about dropping the issue which meant it was, well... _serious_. Or the fact that the kid was sitting right fucking there.

Furlan finally dropped it, just going to reach for the bag of chips, pulling out a couple and popping them in his mouth, chewing and swallowing.

I heard Isabel let out a sigh of relief as she reached for the chips to, eating a couple. She looked at Eren. “If you want a snack, you're welcome to dig in.”

“I'm fine.” He whispered, going back to staring down at the blankets.

“Drink?”

“I-I'm fine.”

I slid off the bed a bit, patting the kids shoulder. “You don't sound all that sure. C'mon.”

The kid appeared to be very hesitant — probably reluctant — but got up off the bed and followed me out of the room. I could hear Isabel say something harshly to Furlan, but I wasn't about to eavesdrop on that. 

I walked into the kitchen, opening the fridge and standing to the side, holding it open. “Any drink in here is open for grabs. Except for the alcohol, of course.” Eren looked at me sheepishly, holding onto the bottom of his shirt as he stepped closer to the fridge to look inside. “And if you want a snack in here, you're welcome to that, too.”

He nodded, although he didn't look at me. Eventually, he reached in, grabbing a carton of juice and pulling it out, looking back to me. I took the carton from him, shutting the fridge, opening a cabinet just on the right side of the kitchen sink, grabbing a clear glass cup. I set the cup down, shutting the cabinet, then twisted the cap off, pouring the juice into the cup until it was a couple centimeters from the top. I closed the carton and returned it to the fridge. “Snacks from the fridge a no?”

I looked at the kid, who was just sipping from the cup, eyes on the liquid inside. I exhaled deeply, nodding to myself and shut the fridge walking past the kid, patting his shoulder. Again, he was following behind me. We walked back into my room and I returned to my position on the bed, Eren sitting next to Isabel, although closer this time, their shoulders touching, staring at the liquid, sipping slowly. When I say “slowly” I mean _slowly_ , like the kid didn't even take a whole sip, just a couple little drops worth at a time. 

Meanwhile Furlan looked like he had just seen someone get killed right in front of him. I looked back to Isabel, but she was facing the TV, as was Eren.

I pulled out my phone and typed in a note, leaning over to Furlan for him to read.

_[What'd Isabel tell you?]_

I waited a couple moments, but when he hadn't taken my phone to reply, I looked up at him. He looked at me and just shook his head, pushing my phone away.

Jesus fuck. Did the kid kill someone before?!

I swallowed back, sitting up straight, deleting the note and setting my phone next to the box on my shelf. “It's cool. I didn't wanna know anyway...”

I always hated being in the dark about things; hated not knowing things... Although, I was sure one of them would tell me later, when Eren wasn't around.

 _Run along now, let the adults talk..._ I mumbled silently, glaring at the kid as I leaned back in my pillows, getting into a comfortable laying position. Ankles crossed and legs flat on the mattress, upper body propped up with pillows, hands on my stomach.

“Alright, that's it.” Isabel said, slapping her hands down onto her thighs. “We need to lighten the mood.”

She patted Eren's shoulder and he sat up. The kid wasn't even halfway through his drink but he still kept it up to his lips. He didn't look back at us while Isabel turned her body around to face me and Furlan. “We should play a game.”

“A game...?” I echoed, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah, like maybe—”

“No.” I interrupted.

“I didn't even say what game!” She pouted.

“Yeah. You don't have to. It already sounds stupid.”

I heard a soft chuckle, one that didn't come from Furlan or Isabel. My eyes drifted into Eren, though I was left staring at the back of his head.

“Why not share some funny stories?”

“Oh god...”

“Well why don't you suggest something, Levi?”

“... I vote for taking a nap.”

“Okay, Kenny.” Isabel said. Kenny was almost always seen taking naps. The girl likes poking fun at me for the things Kenny does on the daily that I do on occasion.

“Never Have I Ever.” Eren mumbled.

“Ohh, I like the way that kid thinks.” Furlan said, clapping his hands together.

”What? That requires alcohol—”

“Never stopped you before.”

Isabel was right, we all got drunk every so often. But... I guess what compelled me to decide against it was the fact that Eren was here. I hadn't expected him to bring up something like that. And, also, he hadn't smoked until today. I would assume he hasn't drunk alcohol before, either...

“C'mon Levi...!” Isabel pulled at my arm.

We already got high, are they really wanting to cross-buzz like that?

I let out a heavy sigh. “Fine.” I stood up, walking over to my door and opening it, looking over to point at Eren. “But if your parents find out about you getting high and drunk, you didn't get it from me, got it?”

“Got it.”

And so I walked out of my room, to the kitchen, and opened the freezer, grabbing a half-empty bottle of vodka. I grabbed 4 shot glasses, holding them in my other hand. I walked back into my room, closing the door with my hip. I set the bottle and glasses down, climbing back onto the bed and sitting down in my spot. We all grabbed out own shot glasses and I just stared into the mostly-transparent glass for awhile.

I didn't have a good feeling about this...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Winners don't use drugs, unless they're steroids — in which case, use lots of drugs!”
> 
> I don't approve of any “drugs” aside from medical prescription (though doctors sketch me tf out) and marijuana. Weed's illegal, sure, but if you're gonna do it, at least be safe and know if you can trust the people you're getting high with; and don't get caught!
> 
> I don't particularly approve of underage drinking, either, but... It's still gonna happen. So it's whatever. (Again, if you're gonna do that ish, be safe with it, fam)


	4. A Shot of Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group plays a drinking game.
> 
> Levi gets asked a question he doesn't want to give a straight answer to.
> 
> Eren questions Levi about something... uncomfortable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like the trigger warnings are triggers/trigger warnings in themselves XD
> 
> Just proceed with caution at this point. 
> 
> Trigger Warning (TW): implied rape.

“So, who's going to start?” I asked, finally looking up from the shot glass, eyes looking around at the other three people sitting around me.

“Why doesn't Eren? His idea to play this game.” Furlan said, tilting his head towards the kid. Next thing you know, everyone was looking at the brown-haired boy.

Once again, the kid looked like a deer caught in headlights. I get having anxiety, but this was growing increasingly more annoying...

“Um. Never have I ever...” A long pause. “Stolen something.”

I let out a breathy laugh, going to fill up my shot glass, followed by Furlan, and then Isabel. We all clinked our glasses together before raising the glasses to our mouths and drinking the liquid. Isabel shook her head, bringing a hand to her mouth, coughing a couple times. Furlan had immediately gone for a drink from his bottle of soda. Isabel patted Furlan's shoulder repeatedly — almost in a utterly desperate manner — and Furlan handed her his drink. After all this time, she hasn't seem to quite gotten used to the taste of vodka and always needs a chaser. Furlan usually isn't good with the first couple shots, but gets used to it relatively quickly.

Oh no! Don't call me an alcoholic! Anything but that!

I looked back to Eren who was just staring in shock. “What is it, Eren?” I grumbled.

“You've _all_ stolen?!” He said that question in relation to all of us, but his eyes were fixed on Isabel.

I smirked, leaning in towards him. “We all just smoked weed and are currently drinking alcohol. And you think _stealing_ is bad?”

Isabel narrowed her eyes at him. “I better not hear that you told my parents.”

Eren just nodded, lowering his gaze.

Damn. Maybe we should... tone it down a notch...? Or two...?

“Who's up next?”

“Isabel.” Eren said quickly.

“Oh.” She leaned her body side to side a few times. “Never have I ever...” She settled herself, sitting still. “Given oral.” she finished with a devious smirk.

Well this totally went from zero to a hundred real quick...

No one went for the shot glass.

Isabel parted her lips, looking back and forth between me and Furlan. “Seriously? Neither one of you?”

“Take a shot.”

“Seriously, Levi? I thought you would've— like, you've had all those girlfriends!”

“Take a shot.” I repeated, already filling her glass halfway, knowing full well she couldn't handle more than that — even _with_ a chaser.

She looked positively distraught, reaching for the shot glass, bottle of soda in the other hand as she quickly downed the shot and brought the soda bottle to her lips just as quickly.

“Really, Isabel, we all share these things with each other. If I'd done it, I would've told both of you.” I said, tilting my head to the side. “No need to get all upset over it.”

“I know...” She sighed, looking to Furlan. “Go ahead.”

“Why me?”

“You're next in rotation.”

“Ugh...”

“You were so eager to have Eren go first.” I drawled, smirking.

“Shut up.” The blonde male looked down, tilting his glass around in circles. “Never have I ever... Kissed someone I wasn't going out with.” He looked back up.

I went to pour myself a glass, filling it almost all the way. I raised the glass up to my lips, looking at the others. “No one else?” I looked down at the liquid, opening my mouth, pressing the glass to my lips and drinking down the liquid in one quick gulp.

“When did you do that?” Isabel asked, narrowing her eyes scrutinizingly.

“Uncle had a party, invited some friends. His friends brought some of their kids. Everyone was drinking and smoking and shit... I got high as fuck and kissed up on...” Shit. It was a guy... “um... some chick. I don't remember her name anyway. Not important.” I would totally be fine telling Furlan and Isabel that but _certain company_ prevented that.

I waved my hand off, gesturing the topic away, before murmuring, “Never have I ever had sex.”

“Wow, Levi, so original.” Isabel said sarcastically.

“None of these questions have been 'original.'”

“True...” she breathed, shrugging.

I looked at Isabel as she looked at Eren. He was looking down, slowly extending his arm, shakily, with the shot glass in his hand.

Is he embarrassed because he's the only one?

I sighed, grabbing the bottle and pouring the kid a shot halfway. “Maybe we should stop...?” Isabel murmured.

Everyone was quiet.

Furlan already knew something I didn't — still a bit annoyed at that — and I'm pretty sure I have enough understanding to assume. But I also didn't want to _assume_.

“No. It's all good. No need to baby me.” Eren lifted his head, bringing his hand closer to his mouth, he put his lips against the glass. I think he smelled it because he made a face before furrowing his brows and going to drink the liquid. He downed it pretty well... But then he started gagging and coughing. “That tastes like fucking shit!”

I started laughing as he went to gulp down his juice. It was a funny sight. “Quit fucking cussing, Eren.” I said when I calmed myself down, though a smile still lingered.

“You just—” He stopped. “Oh.” He got that I was fucking with him.

  


* * *

  


We continued the game for a couple more rounds before stopping because Isabel, Furlan, and I couldn't get anything else because we've done basically everything together. At that point, we just started doing shots. I had downed a total of eleven shots; Isabel downed six; Furlan downed nine; and Eren was still doing shots, though he managed to down five thus far.

I filled his glass halfway again, watching as he went to gulp it down again and gag _again_. “How... many... is that?”

“Six.” I mumbled, elbow planted in my knee, and my chin resting in my palm. Anyone could guess I was getting bored.

“So... Was she at least, like, pretty?” Isabel asked.

“What are you talking about...?”

I raised a brow, moving my eyes to look at the red-haired female.

“The girl you kiiissed.”

 _Shut up, Isabel._ “Um. Yeah. Sure. I guess.”

“Okay, howw about thiisssh: would you kiss her again?” Furlan asked.

“No. Probably not.”

Furlan looked to Isabel. “The answer's no.”

“It's not that—” I sighed, looking back at Eren as I tilted the bottle to fill the shot glass halfway again. “Nevermind.”

“Noo! Tell us!” Isabel begged, leaning forward to place her hands on my open knee, shaking me lightly. I almost fell off to the side when my elbow slid off the antithetical knee, though I simply sat up straight.

“You're not going to get answers by being annoying.”

“Leeeviii!”

I let out an exasperated sigh, hand going under Eren's shot glass as I raised it up to his mouth myself. He drank the liquid inside, desperately trying to stifle his gagging and coughing. It _kind of_ worked, but he gave in and made gagging noises. Once he recovered, he started complaining. _Again_. “Howw the hell do peeople drink this for fun?”

I will never understand how people slur their words.

“Seven,” _you freaking lightweight_.

“I thought you'd tell uss everything, Levi. You said it yourshelf...”

I am in a room with a bunch of drunks.

Why?

Why did I agree to this?

Wait—

They're all drunk. They probably won't remember this shit anyway.

“It wasn't a girl.”

“What?” Furlan, I love you, but you're a fucking idiot sometimes.

“So yoouu... didn't do it at all?” Why, Isabel?

“It was a guy.”

Isabel shot up like a rocket, leaning in close to me. “Holy shit! So are you, like, you know...?”

“Gay?” Eren finished, looking over to me.

I regret this choice I opted for.

“N-no. I'm not. I told you, I wouldn't do it again.”

Isabel sat back down. “Oh...”

“Are you disappointed or something?”

“I don't know...” She murmured, bringing a thumb to her mouth, biting down gently on her nail.

I rolled my eyes back over onto Eren. “'Nother shot?”

“Mm.” he said with a nod.

  


* * *

  


Final count for shots:  
Levi: 15 (full)  
Isabel: 7 (half)  
Furlan: 11 (4 half, 6 3/4s, 1 full)  
Eren: 10 (8 half, 2 3/4s)

Seems like Eren's good at playing “catch-up” with all of us — even though he's never done any of this before _apparently_. I honestly think he's done shit like this before, he just hasn't told anyone about it.

Furlan had disappeared into the living room without forewarning, though the potent smell of cigarettes told me what he was doing.

Isabel had gone off to the bathroom, but I soon heard her talking to Furlan in the living room. The two of them were both probably smoking at this point...

Here I was, sitting in a room with an awkward child who was now laying down on my bed. So, obviously, I couldn't lay down anymore.

I let out a huff, going to slid off my bed when said child spoke up. I stopped, sitting on the edge of my bed, looking over at him. “So, um...” _Awkwardness strikes again_. “If you aren't gay, why'd you kiss that guy?”

“'Cause I was high.” I looked away, standing up.

“Wait—” He grabbed my arm.

I whipped around quickly, jerking my arm away. This damn kid was going to get himself killed if he did some shit like that again.

“But, if, like...—” His hand dropped down, now dangling over the edge of the bed.

“Please don't tell me you have a crush on me or some shit.”

“No. It's not that...”

“Look, if you're questioning your sexuality, I'm not the one to approach with that shit.” I turned away again.

“But I can't just ask Isabellll...” he mumbled.

“And why is that?”

“She's my _cousin_.”

“So fucking what?”

“It's weird.”

“Just... figure that shit out on your own. Damn.” I opened my door.

“Would you tell your uncle you kissed a guy?”

He had me there.

I stopped midway, slowly looking over my shoulder at the kid with narrowed eyes.

“Then ask one of your _friends_.”

“I don't have any.” He said lowly.

“I'm sure.” I looked away and walked out into the hallway, pulling my door closed halfway. I walked down the hall and into the living room. Like I had thought, Furlan and Isabel were both smoking a cigarette on the couch.

I walked over to the coffee table, picking up the pack and pulling one out and sticking the butt in my mouth. I grabbed the lighter nearby and flicked it on, holding it close to the end of the cigarette before tossing the lighter onto the coffee table. “What happened with Eren?” Isabel asked.

“Ohh, you know, only wanted to off myself sixty-three times.” I grumbled, wrapping my lips around the butt fully and inhaling before grabbing hold of it in between my index and middle finger, pulling it out of my mouth as I exhaled the smoke.

“Oh, come onn...”

“You think I'm playing.”

“Ha. Okayyy... Freakin' drama queen.”

“The kid's over here questioning his sexuality with me.” I raised the cigarette to my lips again, taking another hit.

“Why wouldn't he ask me about that?”

“He says it's weird. I... guess it's a family thing.” I said with a shrug. I didn't bring up his point about Kenny.

I averted my gaze off of them, taking another long hit and exhaling slowly, looking down the hall to my room. I hadn't thought much about if he could hear us or not.

“Furlan?” Isabel drawled.

“Hell. No. I'm not doing that shit.” He retorted.

“But he's not gonna talk to _me_ about it.”

Furlan gestured to me with his hand that was holding his cigarette. “He seems pretty comfortable talking with Levi!”

“Fuck you, I'm not going back in there! I would rather _end myself_ than spend another minute in there with him.”

  


* * *

  


Five minutes later of Isabel begging me, I found myself sitting back in my bed, criss-crossed, elbow planted in my knee, chin resting in my palm. My dark eyes were fixed on the wall. I was staring at absolutely nothing, but I think the wall was far more interesting company than the little lump of teenage feelings beside me.

“So, what do you want to talk about, Eren?”

I regret every single life choice I've ever made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fixed it:  
> "Levi gets asked a question he can't give a _straight_ answer to."


	5. A Swig of Discomfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi and Eren have a very awkward conversation that melts into something else.
> 
> Isabel and Furlan walk in at a bad time.
> 
> Levi notes something else that's “off” about Eren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: implied physical abuse

The boy had sat up now, sitting on his legs with his hands entwined with one another in his lap, his head hanging a little low, eyes focused downward. He started fiddling with his fingers, hands shuffling in his lap. He bit at his bottom lip, eyes looking up at me briefly before shooting back downwards. “Uh. S-sorry. It's really weird to talk about...”

“Take your time...” I mumbled, looking him up and down. Anxiety was seeping out of his skin, I swear.

“So, like, you, um... Didn't like kissing that boy, right?” He looked back up at me, head still low, so it almost looked as though he was glaring at me. I'd probably think he was, if he didn't look so innocent behind the eyes.

“Right.”

“Because it was a boy?”

“I guess.” I mumbled with a slight shrug.

“H-how did you know?”

I can't believe I seriously agreed to this. Isabela definitely owed me a hell of a lot at this point. I don't think she'll ever repay that debt she's created and is currently drowning herself in.

“Because it wasn't all that enjoyable.” I breathed.

“Oh.” He looked back down, now looking at his palms, fingers still laced together.

“Have _you_ kissed a boy?”

“Huh?” His head shot up to look at me clearly. “Uh, n-no.”

“Why don't you just test that yourself then?”

He cocked his head forward, narrowing his eyes and furrowing his brows downward a bit in a kind of “are you serious?” look. “Wow. I never thought of that before.”

Sarcasm; noted.

“Don't you have some guy friend or—?”

“I told you already. I don't have any friends.” He said through gritted teeth.

“C'mon...” I drawled, lifting my head. “You have friends. Quit bullshitting.”

He looked at me, a vexed expression on his face.

Shit. He was serious.

“N-not even... _one_?”

He continued to stare at me, eyes starting to spark more anger and frustration in them.

“An a-acquaintance?”

He tilted his head to the side, now exchanging his look for a glare.

_Shit._

I bit my lip, sitting up straight, grabbing hold of my shins within my hands. “Um. Are there any, like, gay guys at the school? Or bisexual or whatever?”

Eren laughed bitterly. “At my school, if you have any sort of homosexual relationship, you get targeted; you get beat up, one kid was hospitalized after almost being killed. If there was one, or two, or more — they sure as hell wouldn't come out about it.”

Sounds more than a _“little”_ homophobic. Nah. It's not even “homophobic,” it's just being a fucking dick. No particular reason for their actions, they just do.

I sighed, unfolding my legs before laying down on my back, torso propped up with the pillows at the head of my bed. I crossed my ankles, resting my hands on my stomach, staring at my twiddling thumbs.

“Soo...?” Eren drawled, sounding mildly inpatient. Given I was silent for — I don't know — a minute, give or take. I looked up at him finally. It's not like I could offer up Furlan — kid's straighter than a _female_ stripper pole. I certainly didn't have any friends outside of Furlan and Isabel, though I could probably pick someone out from those kids that came over. Maybe Eren would kiss the same guy— Oh, God, no. I'm not going to subjugate him to that shit.

“Levi.” He sounded annoyed now.

I simply blinked at him a couple times, still running things over in my head. “I...” _Don't you fucking dare._ I growled to myself. “What about me?” _Damn it, Levi!_

“ _What about you?_ ” He echoed, lowering his gaze in a kind of dominating manner.

 _Fuck_. 

I've already invested this far...

I tilted my head to the side, brows rising ever so slightly. “You know what I mean.”

“Why?” He narrowed his eyes scrutinizingly, lowering himself onto his bottom and leaning back, adding distance between us, holding himself up with a palm dug into the mattress, one knee bent and in the air, the other also bent, but resting on the mattress.

“Furlan is straight. Kenny is already a _hell no_. I don't have any friends aside from Furlan and Isabel. I'm not good with anyone at my school, and I don't know anyone who rolls with guys anyway. And the guys that came over to that party...” I trailed off, turning my head away. “They really aren't the best people...” Or the cleanest, for that matter.

“But you don't like me.”

“Exactly. I wouldn't sexualize it. You can figure your shit out — don't tell me whatever it is — and we can be done.”

He was furrowing his brows, looking downwards sheepishly. “O-okay.”

“And you don't tell anyone about this, alright? Especially Isabel.”

He nodded.

I let out a deep breath, sitting myself up and scooting closer to him, sitting in front of him. He was still in his little... _stance_ , just eyeing me at this point. I waited a few moments for him to settle himself and sitting more “normally”. Once he was sitting comfortably in a criss-crossed position, I had leaned forward. It was only when I got close to his face that I realized he was taller than I had thought. Damn. He's — what? — two years younger than me, why is he taller?

I clenched my teeth, lifting my body so that I was up on my knees rather than sitting, hands on either side of his waist. I could see the nervousness in his eyes as I got closer. I rolled my eyes, though very quickly, before settling my gaze on his lips, leaning forward to press mine against his. I think this might actua—

In that second, my door opened.

I never hauled myself back so quickly. I plopped down on the bed, nearly falling over the edge as I went to lay down. It totally didn't look nonchalant.

Isabel raised an eyebrow, looking from me to Eren, then back on me. “The hell was that?”

 _Fuck_.

I looked over at Eren who looked scared shitless. His look of fear melted into a mischievous look as he tilted his head towards me, eyes narrowing into that look of dominance he gave me some time earlier. “You told me not to tell Isabel.” he said with a half smirk.

“Oh, you piece of shit...” I said through gritted teeth, shaking my head slowly, narrowing my eyes and furrowing my brows downward.

“Not tell me what? That you guys were having a make-out session?!”

“That's not what it was!” My head whipped around to look at Isabel.

“I thought you said you _weren't_ gay.” Furlan said, poking his head out from behind Isabel.

“I'm not.” I grumbled, slowly looking over to Eren who was still smirking devilishly.

I closed my eyes, exhaling slowly as I sat myself up, sitting on one leg, the other still stretched out straight. I entwined my fingers together, index and middle finger remaining extended like a gun as I brought my hands up to my mouth, index fingers pressed against my lips. I opened my eyes again, looking down for a short while. “I think...” I looked back up at him. “I'm going to smack you.” I twisted my wrist so my hand-gun was aimed at him, though my hands were still close to my face.

“W-w-why?!” He jumped back, now sitting on his bottom again, legs bent at their apex, a hand planted in the mattress to hold himself up, the antithetical hand held up in a defensive manner.

“Hey, hey, hey!” Isabel called.

I had gotten up enough at that point to be standing on both knees. I let out a huff, sitting back down, glaring at the kid.

“No need for that shit.”

“A little more manipulative than you look, huh?” I grumbled.

“You told me not to tell anyone — _especially Isabel_.”

“Is murder legal yet? 'Cause I'm about to choke a bitch.” I looked to Furlan and Isabel.

“Especially Isabel?!” She echoed.

Now she's mad.

“Goddammit...” I rolled my eyes. “... You-You're... his cousin.”

“So? Why the hell wouldn't you tell me?”

“And I'm your bestfriend...”

“ _So?_ ”

“That doesn't seem weird to you?”

“You said you'd tell us anything. What the hell does it matter if its “weird”?”

I'm going to kill this kid in his sleep.

“Don't get upset, Isabel. He probably didn't want you guys thinking he's gay.”

Don't think you can save yourself, Eren.

“I kind of didn't want you guys to know, either.”

Oh, ha, I'm sure you didn't.

Isabel sat down next to me, arms crossed. “I think I'm a little hurt you didn't think you could entrust us with that.”

“Sorry.” I murmured, lowering my gaze.

She let out a sigh. “Whatever. We know now. It doesn't matter anymore. Let's just... move on.”

Something tells me she'd be talking to me about this later. If not me, then Eren.

  


* * *

  


After that little _mishap_ , everyone was quiet for awhile — maybe an hour or so — before Furlan struck up a conversation, bringing up something we did some months before. Some stupid story, really, about us going to the lake. Still, it managed to settle the tension built up in the room. And, after that, we just continued telling stories. Eren didn't say much. Maybe he was embarrassed or really had some kind of boring life. Either way, we all shared a few good laughs with those stories.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure everyone calmed down through that.

We talked for hours before Isabel complained about being tired. She stayed in my bedroom and the rest of us migrated to the living room. My uncle had long since gone off to bed in his own room by now.

What time was it anyway?

I lifted my body off the couch, looking into the kitchen at the clock on the stove. _1:09_

I sat back down, kicking my feet up to rest them on the coffee table, crossing my ankles. I leaned forward, grabbing the pack of cigarettes that still lingered, lighting the tip of it before handing the lighter to Furlan who was also smoking a cigarette with me.

I inhaled deeply, looking down at the dark orange and golden light at the tip before taking a gentle hold of the cigarette with my index and middle finger, pulling it out of my mouth as I exhaled the smoke, lowering my arm to rest on the arm rest, cigarette still in hand.

“Can I get one?” Eren asked.

“No.” I said simply, sticking the cigarette back in my mouth and standing up, walking to the back door and opening it. I stood in the archway, looking out at the backyard. I wrapped my lips around the butt fully, inhaling the smoke, raising my hand up to take hold of the cigarette as I lowered it to my side, exhaling out through the open door. I turned around, going back to sit down next to Furlan on the couch, Eren just across on a lounge chair.

“Why not?”

“Too young.” I murmured, leaning forward to the ashtray, hovering the cigarette over it, thumb flicking over the butt to flick the ash off the end. I leaned back into the couch, bringing the cigarette back up to my lips.

“I'm sixteen.” He growled.

“And I'm eighteen. Legal.” I murmured, glancing at Furlan who also exchanged a look at me. He knew I wasn't eighteen, but little Eren boy didn't need to know that. I was trying to make a point. Plus, I didn't want the kid getting into smoking cigarettes. Not good for him.

I looked forward again right as Furlan spoke up. “I...” He leaned forward, pressing the lit end of the cigarette into the ashtray, extinguishing it. “am going to head off to bed.” He sat, hands patting his thighs as he stood up and walked around the coffee table to walk down the hallway and go into my room. The bed there was big enough for two people. Three if you really push for it and are comfortable being just a few inches apart from one another.

“So... I'm supposed to sit here and watch you smoke?”

“Well, I'm not making you do that. You're free to do whatever you want.”

“So I _could_ get a cigarette, then?”

“Yeah.” I leaned forward, planting my feet in the carpeted ground, elbows planting themselves in my thighs. I widened my eyes, a slight smirk on my lips, cigarette still burning in my one hand. “If you want me to break your hand.”

I saw him swallow back. He didn't say anything, so I sat up straighter, taking another drag from the cigarette.

Once I finished off the cigarette, I leaned forward, mashing the still-lit end into the ashtray.

“Hey, Levi?”

“No.”

“I didn't even say anything!”

“You know, the body has seven trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single fucking one of them.” I moved my eyes to look up at Eren. “You are one of those people.” I leaned back into the couch, hands on my stomach, tilting my head back to rest on the back of the couch, closing my eyes as I started to relax, breathing slowly.

“How—”

“You know that saying, 'A Japanese legend says that, if you shut the fuck up, you won't be so annoying'...?”

“Y-yeah...”

“Mmhmm...”

It was quiet for awhile, then Eren opened his mouth again. “So, like, about the ki—”

“If you open your mouth one more time, I'm going to smack you.” I lifted my head, glaring at the boy. “I also said not to talk about it.”

He lowered his head, looking down at the ground.

I tilted my head back again, but just as I did so, Eren opened his fucking mouth. “Y'know, I think I might be gay.”

Just the reason I didn't want him talking about this fucking shit.

I stood up quickly, shooting up like a rocket, looking down at the — now — terrified-looking boy. His eyes were wide looking into mine that were narrowed. “N-n-no. Please! I'm sorry!” He raised both arms to cover his head, cowering behind them.

I think he thought I was about to—

I took a slight step back, swallowing back, looking at the kid with a sudden rush of both sympathy and pity. I dropped my aggressive stance and just slowly sat back down, sitting on the edge of the couch, arms resting on top of my thighs. “You can, um, sit normally now.”

He kept that position, looking through his arms like he was checking if the coast was clear. He lowered his arms slowly, now sinking back into the chair, pulling his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs, resting his chin atop his knees. He stared blankly downward, noticeably biting at his lip.

I think he was desperately trying to keep his shit together.

What made matters worse is the fact that I had triggered something in him.

 _Shit_.

“I'm not gonna let you smoke cigarettes, okay? Don't want you damaging your lungs like that. You're too good of a kid for that.” He didn't looked at me, just continued staring downward at something. “I could let you smoke some more weed, if you want.”

No response.

“We have a mini collection of bowls — y'know, pieces to smoke out of? — I'll let you pick one out.”

No response.

“Do you want to go to b—?”

“Can I see them...?” He said lowly, almost really sounding like a child.

_... Who hurt you?_

I nodded, standing back up and walking to him slowly. I stood in front of him, holding a hand out in front of him before reaching to pat his back. “C'mon.” If I know anything about being traumatized, I knew to move slowly and, if you are going to try and touch the person, then show them your hand before reaching out for them. Slowness is key, really. Sometimes — _many_ times — it's best not to touch them at all. But I remember earlier he let me touch him when he had a “moment”, so I felt a little secured in touching him then. But I was also prepared for him to freak out and/or hit me in the process.

Eren slid out of the chair, standing up and walking in front of me, I kept a hand on his shoulder as I walked into my uncles room. “Just ignore him.” I whispered. I knew my way around the room, so I could easily maneuver myself around. I opened his closet, pulling the string to turn on the light, reaching for a box under a couple others on the floor (my uncle is very mindful of my height) and opened the box. I turned to Eren, holding the box up for him. He looked inside for a few moments before pulling the elephant-looking one out. I grabbed the small bag of weed before shutting the box and setting it back down. I pulled the overhead string and led Eren back out into the living room.

I took the bowl from his hands and went to sit on the couch. He was about to sit on the chair when I patted at the space next to me. “Sit here.” I said just before leaning forward, setting the bowl down on the table as I went to pack it. The boy sat down on the couch, though he was still sitting pretty far from me. I handed him the bowl and the lighter that was on the table. I messed with his hand a bit so he held it properly, and in a way that wouldn't make it easy for the bowl to fall out. “So you just light the rim, and when you go to clear it, take your thumb off the carb here.” I gestured to the side “bubble” before I pulled away from him. I was sitting on one leg with my side pressed into the back of the couch, arm on top with my cheek resting in my palm, my other leg hanging over the edge.

He looked at me for a while before lifting the mouthpiece of the bowl to his mouth, flicking the lighter on and holding it close to the rim, inhaling, then clearing it soon after. He held the bowl out to me as he exhaled, coughing lightly. I shook my head, raising a hand to gently push the bowl closer to him. “Nah. That's all yours.”

“R-really? Are you sure?”

I just nodded.

The boy continued to hit the bowl several times more before setting it down on the table and laying back in the couch. “Tapping out?”

“Mmhmm...” He was staring upward at the ceiling. “Am I sinking into the couch?”

“No.”

“I swear I'm melting into the couch.” His eyes were wide now.

“I swear you're not.” I said with a laugh.

I ended up finishing the bowl off since Eren seemed to have fallen asleep sitting up with his head tilted back. I had gotten a good four hits from it. Damn. He can get stoned from so little...

I lifted my body off the couch to look into the kitchen again. _4:42_

I plopped back down, laying down on my side, arm under my head to act like a pillow on top of the armrest. I laid like that for awhile before I closed my eyes, allowing my body to shut down and fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Precious child Eren. Smol bby. So delicate. So frail. Must be protected at all costs.


	6. A Swallow of Shame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi wakes up in an awkward position...
> 
> ... And to an awkward morning, in general.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When will I learn to type up semi-decent summaries? Nobody knows!

I heard my name spoken lowly in a whisper, “Levi.”

All I saw was black. I didn't want to open my eyes; didn't want to wake up just yet... Just like therapy the day before.

My name, spoken again, louder, like a normal idea king voice. “Levi.”

I'm growing increasingly tired of my own name.

I felt a couple rough pats on my cheek. I furrowed my brows, shutting my eyes tighter, raising an arm to cover my face.

“Levi, get the hell up!” They were yelling, but in a hushed tone.

I pulled my arm away from my face, looking up at the figure hovering over me through squinted eyes, still trying to get used to the light.

 _Isabel_...

I let out a groan, going to sit up but I found that I couldn't; that there was a weight on top of me. I lowered my arm, lifting my torso up the best I could, propping myself up with my elbow. I looked down to see that Eren was laying on top of me, sleeping, cheek resting against my stomach with one arm against my side, the other dangling over the edge of the couch, one leg slightly bent and resting in between my legs, the other straight, just in between my leg and the back of the couch.

This didn't look good.

I looked up at Isabel as innocently as I could, raising a hand. “Okay, okay, this isn't what it looks like, I swear.”

“Really? 'Cause it sure as hell looks like you two were getting handsy last night.”

I clenched my teeth, looking down at the kid. I reached a hand down to shake him, trying to wake him up. No use. The kid just stirred a bit in his sleep.

“Goddammit...” I groaned, tilting my head upward to look up at the ceiling. I exhaled deeply, turning my head to look at Isabel. “We both fell asleep on opposite sides of the couch, okay? I guess this just happened while we were sleeping and stirring around in our sleep.”

“Oh, _of course._ ”

I furrowed my brows, looking up at her for awhile before settling my gaze on the kid. I continued to shake him a few more times; no use. So I continued on to slide him off of me while I tried to pull my body out from under him.

The resultant of that was... unsavory, and definitely unexpected.

Like the dumbass I am, I decided to push him towards the edge of the couch, rather than pushing him towards the back of the couch. The kid ended up rolling off the couch and landing on the floor with a thud and a groan.

I laid on my side, an arm still extended to where his body used to be, my eyes widened and staring blankly forward.

That didn't happen. No, no, no.

No.

“Fu-hu-hu-uck...” He breathed, lifting himself off the floor into a sitting position.

“Goddammit, Levi!” Isabel growled before kneeling down to help Eren to his feet.

“No, no, no, no! I— you saw me trying to—” Quit trying to defend yourself, Levi. Just stop.

I let out a groan, sliding my legs over the edge of the couch and standing just a little bit after Eren was on his feet. I went around, scoping him out. “Uh. D-do you, like, hurt anywhere?”

“N-no. I'm fine.” He croaked in a near whisper.

Didn't sound too believable.

Isabel leaned in close to his ear, whispering something. Eren nodded.

She took a step back, patting his shoulder gently.

“Sorry, Eren,” I murmured.

He looked over at me, raising an eyebrow, hand rubbing the back of his neck. “For what?”

“I, uh, accidentally pushed you off the couch.”

He shook his head, chuckling. “I've been woken up in worse ways.” He nodded quickly, going to a serious expression. Or maybe it was his “neutral” expression. I don't know him well enough to distinguish these things.

“So, uh, do we drink coffee in this house?” Eren asked, already turning around and brushing past Isabel to walk into the kitchen, eyes wandering.

“Oh, right, yeah. I'll make a pot.” I walked in to the kitchen, stepping past Eren to stand in front of the counter, going to mess with the coffee machine to get some coffee on its way. “You're welcome to look around for something you want to eat.” I said, looking over my shoulder briefly.

“Uh, no thanks.” He breathed, walking up next to me, watching as I poured in coffee grounds.

“Are you okay with cinnamon?” I asked, looking over to him.

His eyes flickered with light and a wide smile spread across his face. “I love cinnamon! And-and vanilla, and white chocolate...” He let out a content sigh.

I shook my head, a little smile presenting itself. I don't know, I guess I thought it was nice to see him smile and beam with excitement like that. I don't know what's happened in his past, but a couple things I've noted about him indicate it must have been traumatizing. So, yeah, I guess I really love seeing people who've gone through hell, who are suffering from depression, or are suicidal, or all that — being able to smile. Even if they're only happy for a moment. I just... absolutely love that.

I turned the machine on and turned around to see Eren staring at me. I looked up at him, taking a step to the side. “You... need something?”

“No. I just realized you're shorter than me.” He said simply with a bit of a shrug before turning away and walking back into the living room.

I think I felt my eye twitch.

“Careful, Eren, guy's pretty insecure about his height.” Isabela said.

“I'm not insecure!”

“Ohh. Always so defensive.” Isabel drawled, smirk lacing her lips.

I rolled my eyes, walking into the living room and plopping down on the couch, arms folded on my stomach as I leaned back comfortably.

“So, like, how short are you?” Eren asked.

Oh you son-of-a-bitch...

I shook my head, narrowing my eyes at Eren.

“He's, like, four feet tall.”

“ _Short_.” Eren corrected with a smirk, tilting his head towards Isabel.

“I'm five foot three.” I grumbled, glaring at the coffee table.

“He's pouting like a baby.” Isabel chimed.

I just kept glaring the coffee table down.

“Is it because you can't ride the big kid rides at amusement parks?”

I mumbled something under my breath, leaning forward to pull a cigarette out of the pack. I stuck the butt in between my lips, grabbing the lighter and flicking it on, holding the blaze close to the tip as I inhaled to light the cigarette. I tossed the lighter onto the coffee table, leaning back onto the couch, arm resting over the top of the back, crossing my legs.

“Sorry, Levi.” Eren hummed, leaning towards me but stopping abruptly as Isabel went to sit in between us.

“Don't need any more of you two making out.” She murmured, leaning back, folding her arms.

“Making out?” Eren echoed.

So he didn't know about that awkward position Isabel found us in. It really was an accident...

I went to give Isabel a look when a voice piped up, grabbing my immediate attention.

“What's this about making out?” Furlan asked as he walked out of the hallway to enter the living room.

“I walked in to the living room this morning with Eren on top of Levi, sleeping—” she looked at me quickly, eyes wide, slamming a hand down onto my thigh. I admit that it actually kind of hurt. “Don't tell me you guys—?”

“No, Isabel. I already told you, we fell asleep, him sitting up, and... I guess he fell on top of me in his sleep and... that... happened...”

Isabel looked over to Eren. He looked so innocent, with a hint of scared, that she'd probably actually believe me now...

“Holy fuck you guys went past first, second—”

“Shut up Furlan...” I warned with a glare.

“So you guys didn't do anything?”

Eren shook his head quickly.

Isabel let out a sigh of relief. “Good. For a second there, I thought I might have had to cut of Levi's dick.”

“Why mine?!”

“Because he's my cousin and it's obvious you'd be topping.”

“Topping?” Eren echoed in question.

Isabel looked at him, tilting her head. “The dominant one. He'd be putting it in y—”

I smacked her upside the head — not _too_ hard; just enough to get her to shut the fuck up.

She whipped around to look at me, rubbing the back of her head. “What the hell was that for?”

I gave her a look that asked both “Are you serious?” and “Are you a fucking idiot?”

She looked genuinely upset that I did that though, so I just sighed and raised a hand to pat the top of her head a couple times. I would've run my hand through her hair, but I knew that would mess up her pigtails. I lowered my head to look her in the eyes. “Quit being a little shit.” I pulled my hand away and stood up, extinguishing my cigarette in the ashtray before walking into the kitchen.

She groaned and rolled her eyes. “You were almost compassionate!” She complained, lifting her head up. “You were almost _half_ a decent human being!”

I couldn't tell if that was another short joke, or if that was her saying I'm such a heartless prick and was, at least, almost a few slivers worth of a “decent” person for about a split second.

I walked to the coffee machine, opening a cabinet just overhead, pulling out five mugs one-by-one and setting them down on the counter. I picked up the coffee pot, pouring a good amount into each cup before returning it to the machine.

“You know, I think I could be dominant.” I heard Eren say in a slightly higher pitched tone, though it was pretty low.

I heard Furlan's voice but couldn't make out what he said; same with Isabel when she spoke up after him.

I picked up my mug and walked into the living room, sitting back down in my place slowly. Sure enough, they stopped talking and ended up walking into the kitchen to get some coffee. I heard Eren asking about cream and sugar, then Furlan helping him find it.

“Isabel, do you have a thing for Levi?”

Bluntness level: maxed out.

“Oh, god, no.” she said with a laugh.

“Because he's unattractive?”

Okay, first of all: _fuck you_...

“No, he's good in the face. I've just always seen him as a brother.”

“You guys sure are close, huh?”

“Three years. Gone through a hell of a lot of shit together,” Furlan said.

“Why are you asking if I have a thing for him?”

“Mm... I don't know... Seemed like it...”

A little while later, they returned to the living room. Just as they did so, Kenny appeared from in the hallway and walked to the kitchen. I don't think he noticed us because he didn't even glance in our direction. His mind was probably focused on two things: coffee and a cigarette. Sure enough, the man walked around the counter with a mug in hand, holding it up to his mouth as he drank. He set the cup down, grabbing the pack of cigarettes and pulling one out, lighting it before he stood up straight. It was only then he realized Eren was here.

“Who the fuck is that?” he asked, pointing at the kid with the hand he was holding the cigarette in. Of course, his head was turned and his eyes were fixed on me for answers.

“It's Eren.”

“H-he's my cousin!” Isabel chimed in, reaching a hand out in front of me — as if _that_ would really do shit.

“How long has he been here?”

“Uh, since last night... He came here with Isabel.” I murmured, pushing Isabel's hand out of the way.

“What did you all do last night...?” He was referring to if we were smoking and drinking.

“Smoked a few bowls. Downed a few shots.” No use lying to the man, he was sure to find out by the amount of alcohol in the bottle — is there any left? — and how much weed is left.

He raised a hand to rub his temples, looking from me to the kid, and then back at me. “Is he trustworthy? 'Cause last thing I need is some cops or some shit showing up at my door.”

“Yeah. He's good.” I paused, a slight smirk — barely visible, really — tracing my lips “Trust me.” I drawled.

He lowered his hand, taking a long drag from the cigarette. He shook his head, turning away as he mumbled something under his breath as he walked away, cigarette and mug in hand.

“Hot damn.” Furlan whispered, looking off to the hallway for awhile before looking back at us.

“Right?” I murmured, bringing my cup to my lips to take a drink, setting it down on the table.

“W-what's the big deal?” Eren asked, voice sounding all innocent and child-like again.

“He was probably configuring a plan to kill you and hide the body.” I said with a smirk.

“Levi's eighty percent serious this time.” Isabel murmured, taking a gulp from her own mug of coffee.

“Why would he do that?” Eren's voice picked up, and you could noticeably tell he sounded a little worried and scared.

“He doesn't like people in general. And he especially doesn't like people, ahem, _strangers_ in his house.” I said. “He sketches out like a mother fucker. Doesn't really trust anyone. Those people that came over for that party? — yeah, he doesn't particularly trust them, he just... mm... _tolerates_ them. He probably only got through it because he was drunk.” I finished with a shrug. “It's a little hard to explain.”

“I think I kind of get it...”

Isabel looked down quickly, reaching into her pants pocket to pull out a phone. She looked at the screen, reading the message. “It's kind of ironic how the adults left to go drinking, and then we came over her and drank.” She said, looking to Eren. “Parents want us home.”

He parted his lips, furrowing brows upward. He looked like he was just told his dog died. “Can't we just pretend we're still sleeping or something?”

Isabel laughed. “It's already marked as read.” she nudged Eren with her elbow, “Didn't realize you liked Levi's company that much.”

I saw him blush.

I swear I saw him blush!

He looked down sheepishly. “Oh, no. I just... like being somewhere else that isn't at the house.”

Isabel cut in quickly. “He's practically Rapunzel, always cooped up inside and such.” She bit at her lip, looking away and onto the liquid in her cup. “Well. We'll finish this coffee then head out.”

“What time is it anyway?” Furlan asked.

Isabel checked her phone once more. “It's eleven-thirty.”

“Wow. I slept really good last night.” Eren said, taking a sip of his coffee.

“Same. I usually only sleep three hours...”

Eren looked at me, eyes wide, “How do you survive on that?!”

I shrugged. “I got used to it?”

He let out a huff, taking another sip of his coffee.

I noticed Eren drank his coffee down slowly, and I knew full well he was stalling for time. When he did finish, he walked into my room and came back out with his bag — he never did open it... I guess he didn't have to since he passed out on the couch... — just before he and Isabel walked to the front door. I followed behind them, holding the door open as they stepped out onto the front porch. I saw that Eren was hanging his head low, clearly disappointed at having to go home.

“Oi,” I said, stepping just outside the door and onto the porch. The two stopped and looked over at me. My eyes were set on Eren.

“Don't be a stranger, okay? You're welcome to come here again, if you want.” I said with a smile. I saw a flash of light in his eyes, a small smile gracing itself over his lips. “If my uncle says you can't, I'll just sneak you in through my window.” I said with one final chuckle before stepping back inside.

“Okay! Thank you!” he said before turning around again to walk down the few steps and down the driveway.

I let out an exasperated breath, shutting the door. If that kid didn't have any friends, then I was going to come in and be his first. I know he sure as hell needs it.

  


* * *

  


Furlan and I finished off our coffees before heading back into my room to chill. He hit the bong a couple times, but I just laid down, back propped up with my pillows, hands on my stomach, watching some bullshit movie marathon on TV.

**_Buzzzzzzzz_ **

I lazily rolled my eyes to look at my phone. I sighed, reaching to pick it up, looking at the lit screen. A message from Isabel.

I swiped across the screen, opening the messages.

_[I lied to you about something...]_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wouldn't be a proper fic if I didn't make short Levi jokes.


	7. The Tears I Cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isabel tells Levi something he [kind of] already knew.
> 
> Levi has a long conversation with Eren over text.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Long conversation”? This shit takes up an entire damn chapter. Whatever, whatever. It's worth it... (I think???)
> 
> Just a fun little note here: Levi isn't a total fucking asshole — as you can no doubt tell — because he can be sympathetic and empathetic towards Eren. He doesn't know _exactly_ what's up with him, but he does know that he's gone through shit, so he's being a little “easy” on him. That, and this is also in relation to where Isabel and Furlan are here. In relation to the anime, Levi wasn't a total prick until after they died; then, he started coming off as a complete asshole. I mean, yeah. His freakin' friends died.
> 
> But anyway, that's my little explanation just in case some of you felt as though he's “out of character.”

I stared at the message for awhile, mind scattering and going absolutely everywhere trying to figure out what she could have _possibly_ lied to me about. Of course, I was also wondering why she even felt a need to lie to me. A part of me felt offended that she felt as though she had to, and that she followed through with it.

_[What'd you lie to me about?]_

I'm sure she read it in my voice, tone and all; my sounding angry and mildly offended, but also curious.

_“Curiosity killed the cat...—_

_[It's about Eren.]_  
_[I mean, like, I tried to cover some things up he said or did or whatever— but I also know you're not an idiot. So you probably guessed something was up. And you probably guessed closely — if not exactly — correct...]_  
_[But, what I'm really coming clean about is the texts from yesterday.]_

_Huh?_

It took me a second to comprehend, but I remembered the messages she sent before coming over.

_[It's true that parents were drinking, and they started some time before I texted you, but they never planned to go to a bar. They were just gonna drink at my house.]_

_[Okay...?]_

_[Shh, shh. Levi, shut up. Lemme finish.]_

_[Okay, okay.]_

_[Eren actually doesn't live with his parents. He has adoptive parents. I don't know why, though. No one wants to tell me...]_  
_[But Eren's “dad” is, like, a terrible drunk. And he's also going through some shit that already has him fucked up when he's sober.]_  
_[But I mean, that doesn't excuse any of his actions. Don't think I'm supporting him!]_

I already knew where this was going, but I was going to let her finish up.

_[So when he gets drunk, he's like, abnormally angry and shit and...]_  
_[Okay, what I'm trying to say is that the guy beats up on him. Primarily when he's drunk, but a couple times when he's been sober.]_  
_[I wanted to keep Eren away from that.]_  
_[Among other things he's gone through and is still going through... But never mind that part.]_  
_[I hadn't thought it was my place to tell you about it.]_

_—... But satisfaction brought it back.”_

_[So why are you telling me now?]_

_[Eren said I could. He seems to have gotten a little attached to you... (´w｀*)]_

I hate those damn emoticons...

_[Why haven't social services been called?]_

I said as I desperately attempted to ignore the ‘He seems to have gotten a little attached to you...’

Message was marked as read, but she didn't answer, so I tried to ask something else.

_[... Where's Eren now?]_

_[He locked himself in the guest room... I don't know why though. And he won't let me in.]_

The fuck?

And the one time I will be acknowledging that text:

_‘He seems to have gotten a little attached to you...’_

_[Can you try sliding the phone under the door or something?]_

Message marked as read. A long pause with no response.

A couple minutes passed before I got another message.

_[You're very sad looking in the eyes.]_  
_[I wonder how you're so good at hiding that, though.]_

Well these are definitely some messages I've never gotten before. Kid's a surprise.

_[You know something about me now, right?]_  
_[So why don't you tell me something about you, too?]_

I stared at the messages for awhile. I didn't respond.

_[I guess you don't have to. You don't owe me anything.]_  
_[It isn't like we made a deal to share something about ourselves.]_

Dammit, Levi, say _something_!

_[I never knew my dad. And my mother died when I was really young.]_  
_[Does that suffice?]_

_[Well you were going strong before that last text. Haha.]_  
_[If you didn't want to say anything, you didn't have to. Don't feel obligated to do things for me...]_  
_[I don't need anything.]_

There. Right there. His _‘I don't need anything’_. I knew his double-meaning behind that. It was like a pained way of saying that, that he had been taught that and grew up with that mindset. It's kind of like a fear, asking for things. He probably got beat up by his shit of an adoptive father for stupid shit— maybe in which he asked for something. Maybe that's why he was so nervous about asking to smoke and drink with us...

I'm also sure there's something further within that phrase. What I brought up is, um, more so a bit of a theory. So I don't really _know_ -know...

_[You don't need oxygen?]_

More of a joke, sarcasm intended.

_[Not particularly.]_

Well... that's... definitely an answer.

_[Normal people can go about two minutes without air before passing out. Some less. And some people can go as long as fifteen minutes.]_  
_[Sorry. Am I dragging you down?]_

_[No.]_  
_[But I do want to get you out of that.]_

_[Out of what?]_

_[Your depression. Thinking you don't deserve to have things.]_

He didn't respond.

_[My mother raised me well for awhile. She was very selfless; I always came first for her...]_  
_[Somewhere along the way, she got sick with something. I didn't even notice how sick she had gotten until it was too late.]_  
_[I was a greedy kid.]_  
_[I think that if I hadn't been so demanding of so many things, then she could've saved up money and gotten some help.]_  
_[She'd still be here...]_

_[You blame yourself?]_

_[... Yeah.]_

_[You were just a kid, how could you have even comprehended an illness like that?]_

_[By noticing symptoms, I guess?]_

_[Still just a child. And I'll bet she would've brushed it off to you as nothing.]_

Seems like her, yeah...

_[Yeah... I don't know... Just the whole idea of ‘if only I had done something differently.’]_

_[It isn't your fault.]_  
_[You're not responsible for her death.]_

I really wish I could believe that, Eren. I really do.

After awhile of seeing me not reply, Eren brought up another topic.

_[Who are you living with now?]_

_[My uncle. Though I'm basically living by myself. He does pay for everything and he works but...]_

I would leave out some things for now...

_[It's almost as if he doesn't know I'm even here. Practically pays me no mind at all. Ever since... 7th grade, I think?]_

_[Why?]_

_[You tell me.]_  
_[I don't really mind, though.]_

Just as I was typing in another message:

_[You mind enough to bring it up.]_

He's got me there.

_[Well, anyway. Does that satisfy your curiosity?]_

_[For now.]_

_[Okay. So. Mind tell me why you locked yourself in your room?]_

_[Eh. Not MY room... but... I don't know. Just a way I was feeling.]_

_[Sudden rush of unexplained depression?]_

_[Yeah...]_

_[Where all you wanna do is lay and wallow in your own lament?]_

_[That makes it sound really melodramatic! Hahaha]_

_[Okay, but if you accidentally dropped a glass of water, you'd probably break down in tears,]_  
_[Because, “I can't even get a glass of water without fucking up”?]_

_[... Yeah.]_  
_[You've been here before, haven't you?]_ Somehow I imagined him drawling that out in a sarcastic tone along with a smirk. But, of course, I knew it was the opposite. Guess he didn't expect me to know that exact feeling.

_[Just want to be left alone for awhile, right?]_

_[Yeah. But I wouldn't mind talking to you.]_

_[Fuck it.]_

_[What?]_

_[I'm gonna kidnap you and bring you back over here.]_

_[Why??]_ I think I could hear a mild sense of panic.

_[I'm kidding, I'm kidding...]_

_[I kind of wish you weren't kidding.]_  
_[Mm... Getting all my hopes up and shit...]_

_[I'll try and see about getting you back over here, okay?]_

_[Okay.]_

There was a short while neither one of us said anything.

_[So.]_  
_[Isabel says you're soft with me.]_

Of course she did.

_[Is that true?]_

_[Maybe...?]_

_[So... You take pity on me?]_

_[More of a sense of sympathy and empathy both.]_  
_[No. Once— once, I did feel pity. When you were cowering behind your arms for protection, thinking I would actually go to strike you.]_

_[People seem to take pity on me a lot.]_  
_[Kind of annoying because people treat me like I'm a child or something.]_

_[I'm not going to treat you like a toddler playing in traffic. I'm sure you can handle yourself just fine.]_

_[I'm going to pretend I actually believe you.]_

_[You don't believe me?]_

_[People always lie to me.]_

_[I'm an honest person. Bluntly so. I'm brutally honest to the point where a lot of people hate me.]_  
_[But I do know when to hold my tongue.]_  
_[Not lying if you don't say anything at all, right?]_

_[Honest, huh?]_

I didn't like where this was going...

_[Why were you so willing to kiss me?]_

Damn it.

_[Maybe forget that question and take this one: Why didn't you want me telling you what I got from it?]_

Damn iiiiiittt...!

_[Didn't want to know if you realized you were gay because of me.]_

_[Ignored the first question; which means you probably legitimately wanted to do it, just don't want to admit it.]_  
_[Am I right about this?]_

If I don't respond at all, he'll take it as an automatic “yes.” If I say “yes,” it will just make it easier for him to shoot something else at me — and I'd be lying... I think. If I say “no,” he'll pry at something else.

_[You're making this very difficult.]_

_[You basically sold your soul to me when you said you were an honest person.]_  
_[Didn't you also say you were blunt?]_

Goddamn, this kid...

_[I was trying to help you solve your shit out.]_

_[Were you?]_ I could imagine he was giving off that borderline condescending smirk with that look of dominance in his eyes.  
_[I'll drop that topic for now, Levi, so you can — ahem — solve your shit out.]_

_[I'm not gay, if that's what you're implying.]_

_[I didn't say you were.]_  
_[But you certainly weren't all that hesitant in doing it, nor did you look totally disgusted by it — things regular ol' straight people do.]_

_[That's quite enough of that.]_

_[Hahaha! You know you aren't helping yourself by not answering my questions directly!]_  
_[You're practically transparent.]_  
_[An open book.]_

_[Let's talk about something else.]_

_[Subject change, eh? Alright.]_

_[Before that—are YOU honest?]_

_[Of course. I hate liars, which is why I kind of respect you being an honest person.]_  
_[It's nice to NOT have someone lie to your face, even when you have evidence or proof to state otherwise.]_  
_[Yeah. I hate liars. I've grown tired of being lied to.]_

_[You aren't upset that I wasn't straightforward? You could count that as lying, since I said I was blunt.]_

_[No. Not upset.]_  
_[But it's mainly because you're really easy to read. Even over text when I can't see your expression or eyes.]_  
_[No matter how hard a person tries, their eyes are always honest.]_

_‘You're very sad looking in the eyes.’_

_[You weren't all that honest earlier today.]_

_[Oh?]_ I imagined him pretending to be offended and innocent, kind of like a ‘who, me?’

_[Why'd you ask if Isabel had a thing for me?]_

_[Ohh. I KNEW you were eavesdropping!]_

_[And do you really think I'm unattractive or something?]_

_[Are you getting offended?]_ Something about that didn't sound all that sincere.

_[No. I'm just wondering...]_

_[How blunt do you want me to be?]_

_[... I actually don't want to know at all anymore.]_

_[100 percent? You got it!]_  
_[I honestly find you to be VERY attractive.]_  
_[I could totally tell you weren't completely straight — because of the kiss thing; you know all that, you easily-made-uncomfortable child — ... ]_

Child?

_[ ... We all know Furlan's straight, right? And Isabel's a female and she's straight — you're ALMOST straight — so I... wanted to see whether or not I had a chance.]_

_[You're very enthusiastic, aren't you?]_

_[I make up in feigned-enthusiasm for what I lack in happiness.]_

You're just a bundle of joy, aren't you?

_[Sorry, but... I don't think that's going to happen.]_

_[Aww. I'm a little disappointed, but I'll respect that.]_

He takes rejection surprisingly well...

_[Do I have permission to ask why?]_

_[We literally met each other yesterday and... The whole thing with Isabel.]_

It was a short while before the message was marked

_[I noticed you didn't bring up your “I'm not gay” thing.]_

It's official. I'm going to kill him.

_[Well, anyway I'm fine now. So I'll be giving Isabel her phone back here soon, I guess.]_  
_[I'll be deleting these messages, by the way. Since we apparently like not telling Isabel things.]_  
_[She can't get upset with us for wanting a private conversation, right?]_

I'm pretty sure he'd be smirking if I could see him.

_[So can we plan on hanging out soon?]_  
_[Will you talk to Isabel about arranging that? She's good with talking to parents...]_

_[Yeah. Of course.]_

Inviting the guy who blatantly told you he has a crush on you over? Good plan, Levi.

_[Good. I look forward to seeing that ass again. ;)]_

Holy mother of fuck...

I don't know if I should feel uncomfortable because I know he was looking at my ass, or turned on because he's really fucking dominant and incredibly fucking blunt and... _really fucking dominant_.

I said that twice. But it's because that's goddamn important, okay?

Oh shit. I think I'm a little gay...

Okay, no, like— it isn't just that comment, well it's actually hot but that isn't the point, it's that fucking _look_.

A few minutes later, another message.

_[You're a lifesaver! I love you, you freaking pain in the ass!]_

_[Oh. Yeah. Haha...]_  
_[Um... How long is Eren spending at your house?]_

_[Until his school starts up for the year.]_  
_[Which is, like, two weeks?]_

_[You two should just bring all your shit here.]_  
_[Because you both are spending as much fucking time here as possible.]_

_[Holy shit, Levi. You like Eren, don't you?]_

Shit. I really am easy to read, aren't I?

No, no, no.

No.

I don't like him like _that_...

_[I want him away from that pitiful excuse of a “father.”]_

Yeah, that, and that I did kind of want to see him. I wanted to see that look he makes again. Fire in his eyes, smirk on his lips...

Jesus Christ... I _am_ a little bit gay...

_[I'm sure that's it.]_  
_[But anyway, I'll try to arrange things to spend the night again. Although...]_  
_[I don't know how well I'll be able to convince his dad.]_

_[Sell your soul to Satan. That always works.]_

_[Why don't you? You're the one who has a crush on him.]_

_[I don't have a crush on him.]_  
_[Dammit, Izzy, just shut up about that and try to talk to him, okay?]_

_[Okaayy, Levi.]_

“You have a crush on Eren?” Furlan said, leaning into my shoulder to look at my phone screen.

“D-damn it, Furlan!” I shoved him off of me and to his own little respective side of the bed. “I don't have a crush on him... I just... figure he needs some friends.”

“Why?”

“I don't know. Why do _you_ need friends?”

“I don't have _friends_. I have a brother and sister. That's all I need.”

I rolled my eyes, sighing before saying, “Well, he doesn't really have any friends, so...”

Fortunately, he shut up at that and dropped the little issue about having a ‘crush.’

“Do you know when school starts back up?” He asked after awhile.

“In two weeks,” I replied, eyes on the TV, although I wasn't actually watching the movie.

“Wasn't Kenny getting that new job soon?”

I totally forgot about that. “Yeah. About three weeks we'll—”

 _Be moving_...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Little bit”? Oh, hun, you've got a big storm comin'...
> 
> Also, there's a reason yet to be explained as to why Eren can go from being all awkward and shy and shit, then change and be very blunt and manipulative (currently he's only using Levi's words against him, and to his favor) and such in the blink of an eye. (I mean, I pointed it out, so now you guys could probably figure it out on your own. Oh well~)


	8. The Pain I Feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys don't like uke/bottom Levi, you should just usher yourself out of here. I mean, it's already heavily implied that that's inevitable so just, like, go. Shoo.
> 
>  
> 
> And I originally wrote this at 2 or 3 in the morning, then I came back to read through it and jesus christ... many typos have been had. At one point I said “I held my arms arm.” So I guess early as fuck AM me is almost the equivalent to high me... just a little more toned-down, though.  
> (This chapter contains many regrets. . .)

The week following that had been spent with Eren and Isabel spending the night two nights in a row and staying for three days, and one more — the day before Eren would be starting school — spent with both of them, Furlan, and I going out to town. I would end up trying my damnedest to ignore the bruise I saw lacing his upper arm. Unfortunately for me, Eren had noticed I was staring and was quick to pull his sleeve down and hold it for awhile, kind of playing it off like he was holding his upper arm in a kind of awkward/sheepish way. I'm curious on if I was the only one to notice this— both the bruise and his actions to hide it.

Was Isabel there when it happened? Did she try to do anything about it? Surely, if she was there, she would...

Somewhere along the way, I had lost both Furlan and Isabel in one block of stores. Eren and I had gone into the book shop — primarily per Eren's suggestion (request; basically a demand, though he knew I would follow through, so I'll go with it being a ‘request.’), partially to look for our lost puppies — and then I somehow managed to lose Eren, too.

I went speed walking through the entire book shop, and you know damn well I let out a sigh of relief when I saw the very familiar brown-haired boy sitting at a table, arms on the flat surface, leaning in towards a book opened in front of him. Though, he had his head turned, looking off and away at something—

I walked closer, walking past another couple shelves.

—No. Not a some _thing_ , a some _one_.

Freaking cliché movie/show/book/whatever, etc. kind of shit right there. I hate clichés like that. I could write an entire trilogy on—

“Levi!” Eren suddenly called out to me, though he was mindful that we were, in fact, in a book shop, so he did call out to me in a hushed tone.

... Fucking cliché-ass shit...

I let out a quick, exasperated breath, walking closer to him.

I stood just beside the table, leaning forward, hands on the edge to hold myself up, hovering over Eren and his little... _friend_.

I didn't even realize I was glaring at the poor kid until Eren spoke up, “Levi, you're scaring him...”

I raised an eyebrow briefly, glancing at Eren before looking back at the blonde-haired male. “Who is he?” I asked, nodding my head towards the unknown male, eyes returning to meet Eren's.

“Oh. That's Armin,” he hummed casually, eyes dropping down onto the pages of the book in the middle of us.

I looked back at the bonds, head tilting towards him — unknowingly to me, I had formed a glare once again... — “Armin...” I echoed, scanning the boy up and down — at least, his upper body, since his lower half was covered by the top of the table. “So,” I breathed, “What are you two reading here?” I asked, face relaxing to melt into a more ‘neutral’ expression.

“Uh–a-are you mad at me?”

I looked at the blonde, raising a brow.

“You look really mad...” he whispered, sinking back into his chair, head ducked low, trying to avoid my gaze.

“Huh?” Eren perked up, looking from Armin, to me, then back at Armin, letting out a breathy laugh. “Oh, no, no. He's probably leaping for joy,” _Close!—_ he waved a hand off, “Don't take it personally. He just always looks like that.” _—I'm debating the pros and cons of murder!_

“That's unfortunate.”

I shot a look at the kid. “The hell's that supposed to mean?”

The blonde noticeably swallowed back, scooting a little bit away from me. “W-well, like, uh, I would-I would hate to always look mad, even when I'm not...”

_I'm sure that's really all what you want to say..._

I shook my head, exhaling slowly, biting at the inside of my bottom lip. “Well,” I said, standing up straight, “I at least know where you are now, so I'll be heading off to the bathroom here real quick...”

And, with that, I was already walking away, a little eagerly, to the other end of the shop — _why is this place so freaking big?_ — and to the bathrooms, pushing the corresponding door open and walking inside.

Lucky for me, it was empty— for now, at least.

I absolutely loathe public bathrooms, but this seemed like the best option for me right now, so I could tolerate the utterly disgusting atmosphere for five minutes.

I stood at the sink, leaning up against the counter.

What the hell am I even doing? What the hell _was_ I doing? I've never acted like that. I mean, sure, I don't particularly like people in general, but I'm not really one for just automatically disliking someone without them even opening their mouth to say something — of which the vast majority of people just spout out stupid shit, so it's easy to take a disliking to most of them. Armin... didn't even look at me, and I already felt a need to hate his very presence of being there...

Maybe if I'd been in a situation like this I would think it was—

The door opened.

“Levi?”

— _Shit!_

I automatically twisted the sink on, holding my hands under the running water. Eren came around the little corner to my side, leaning into the wall there, arms folding over his chest as he watched me, waiting until I had finished washing my already-clean hands. I reached for a paper towel, switching the water back off, tossing that single paper towel into the trashcan, then grabbed another couple to actually dry my hands.

“Levi...” Eren drawled with a sigh.

I stood at that grimy metal trashcan, back facing him, acting like I was still drying my hands.

“God dammit, Levi!” He said, raising his voice, though not a total scream or yell, tone laced with obvious vexation.

“What?” I asked faux-innocently, turning my body a little ways to look at the brown-haired boy, paper towel still over one of my hands.

“Quit ignoring me!” — again, still not classified as a scream or yell, just louder than a normal speaking voice.

“I'm n—” _Don't lie to him now, you dick!_ I turned away, taking the paper towels off of my hands, extending my hand out before dropping them into the trashcan. “... Sorry.”

“What's up with you?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, now rubbing my right hand with my antithetical hand, turning my whole body to face Eren who was standing straight, hands at his sides.

“Don't play stupid with me, Levi.”

I let out a huff, giving him a kind of half glare.

I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't know what answer to give him that could possibly suffice and sound reasonable as opposed to telling him the whole truth.

After awhile of silence— “Quit ignoring me,” I looked directly into Eren's eyes. He looked on the verge of tears.

I think he invested so much hope and faith in me to always pay attention to him, to never ignore him, to always treat him kindly, to never lie to him — basically the opposite of how he normally gets treated at school, at home... — and here I am, adding cracks that may or may not eventually shatter it in its entirety.

I didn't want to do that to him, but—

“It's nothing, Eren.” Somehow, my body had turned without my direct control, and I was making my way for the door.

—I'm just a hopeless asshole who couldn't listen to his own damn self to save his life... or... someone else's

I extended my arm, grabbing hold of the handle and pulling it open slightly.

Eren came around and forced the door shut again, hand on the wood of it.

I swallowed back, not daring to look up at him. Instead, I just took a couple steps back, folding my arms over my chest, pressing my own back to the wall.

The male let out a quick, exasperated breath, taking his hand off the door and standing right in front of me. “Quit playing coy.”

I kept my eyes trained on the linoleum ground — that little bit of space Eren left in between us — because _fuck_ I knew that kid was going to scare the hell out of me if I looked into his eyes... I'd probably meet some demon if I looked.

“I...” _Suddenly can't talk_. “Uh-I... Shit...” I whispered with a heavy breath.

“Levi, what's wrong?” Suddenly his voice went soft with a twinge of concern switched into his tone.

I'm going to hate myself for admitting this:—

“I got jealous.”

A couple moments of silence that really made me almost evaporate right there.

“Why?” Kind of like a tone mixed with both ‘What the actual fuck?’ and ‘Are you fucking serious right now?’

“I-I don't know—” I drew a hand out, kind of waving it as to gesture the topic away, dropping both arms to my sides soon there after. I went to step to the side and around him, but then his arm came to my side, palm against the wall.

“You _do_ know.”

“No.” I said exasperatedly, “I don't.” I growled, glaring at him. “I really fucking don't.”

“Levi.” He drawled, tilting his head to the side where his arm was, his line of vision coming into more contact with my own. “Come on...” It was a tone that sounded sweet, but also seemed to kind of mean, ‘If you don't tell me, I'm going to end you.’

“I... don't know.” I sighed, dropping my glare and just tilting my head to Eren's arm as well, eyes looking directly into his. “I don't know how to explain it.”

“Why not?”

“Haven't felt like that—th-this?—before. I don't like people, yeah, but I just... don't like that kid. No real reason, just don't like the sight of him.”

Eren laughed softly, straightening his stature, a smirk on his lips, both hands on his hips.

 _I want my hands there instead_...

Wait, what? N-no... _No_.

I blinked up at him as he spoke, “That's the kind of jealousy girls feel for their boyfriends, and boys for their girlfriends...”

“No.” I grumbled, as a half attempt to stop him from continuing. I already knew where he was going with that.

“In this case, it would be the kind of jealousy a boy feels for his—”

“We aren't boyfriends.” I said quickly.

“Ah.” He laughed softly. “Still in denial about your sexuality, I see.” He said with a borderline-condescending smirk.

“Shut up.” I growled with a shake of my head, taking a step to the side to maneuver around him.

“Okay, okay, okay— how about this?:” Again, Eren extended an arm to block me, his hand going over my shoulder to gently push me back into place in front of him.

Oh my fuck—

His hand remained on my shoulder as he took a step forward, “... Look me in the eyes and tell me you haven't been thinking about how badly you want to kiss me,” that beautiful look of dominance in his eyes.

—This boy's going to put me in an early grave.

“Stop it...” I grumbled, though my tone had a sliver of playfulness in it. Here would be my little (failed) attempt at being pouty.

“Levi,” he drawled, voice low, leaning closer towards me. I turned my head away from him.

He exhaled slowly through his nose, leaning in closer, hand sliding down from my shoulder, onto my chest, to my side, then down to my hip.

I think I felt my body heat up for a couple seconds there...

“Is my hand okay here?”

I bit down onto the inside of my lower lip gently— my attempt to keep my composure.

“Will you tell me if something I do makes you feel uncomfortable?”

_What is he about to do...?_

Rather than asking questions, I just nodded my head once, briefly looking at him through the corner of my eye.

He didn't hesitate before pressing his mouth to my neck to issue a soft kiss there, parting his lips before biting down gently, pulling at the skin. Right as I let out a little yelp, he exchanged the bite for sucking and I had to bite down onto my lip to try and stifle a moan.

Who knew it was so sensitive there?

I guess it wasn't much help; I still heard the low noise in the back of my throat. Eren must have heard it too, because he seemed to be a bit more determined to do that again. He let go of that bit of skin, moving ever so slightly downwards, tongue swiping across the splotch of skin before he grabbed hold of a select portion in his teeth, sucking on the skin, eliciting a low moan from me followed by a soft, breathy laugh from him.

My body's starting to feel hot...

He released his hold on my skin, now lacing the left side of my neck with an abundance of little kisses. He kissed under my jaw one more time, his right hand came up to turn my head towards him before he pressed his lips to mine. I felt his tongue grace my lips, compelling me to part my own, inviting him inside.

Fuck, he's a damn good kisser...

I felt his hand come around to the back of my head, left hand coming up a bit on my hip. He pressed his body closer to mine, my back having nowhere to go with the wall behind me, so I quickly felt his hips against mine.

When did I shut my eyes?

He pulled away from the kiss, coming back down to the right side of my neck, giving me a few more kisses there, his right hand pulling my hair slightly, gently— not to the point where it even hurt _slightly_. I felt his knee come between my legs, thigh pressing upwards against my bulge, the sound of a breathy, low moan escaping me.

Wait— what the _hell_ am I — _we_ — doing?

“E-Eren.” I said suddenly.

Instantly, Eren dropped everything. His hand released it's hold on my hair, his hand fell off my hip, and his leg came out from between my legs, his eyes falling to meet with mine as I turned my head. He took a couple steps back from me while I raised my hands in front of me, my eyes having been taken off him as I went about recollecting myself.

So... I get upset because he's hanging around some kid, I come in here, he follows, asks me what's wrong, I give him a kind of attitude, he gets mad because I'm an indirect shit, I tell him I got jealous... and somehow that equals us making out in a freaking bookstore— a bookstore _bathroom_. No, have it again-again: a bathroom. A dirty, public bathroom. Yes, very Chanel.

“Levi?”

I looked back up to him, exhaling deeply and calmly.

“Are you... Are you okay?” He looked a mix of scared and worried.

“What? Oh, y-yeah.” I dropped my hands to my sides, taking a step from the wall, “I'm fine.” I said, voice lower than intended. I took a few steps to the side, going to walk around Eren.

“I'm sorry.” He said, though, at this point, his back was facing me.

“For... what?”

“I made you feel uncomfortable.” He said with a sigh as he turned around, taking a few steps for the door. “S-sorry...” He grabbed the handle and pulled it open, standing there as to let me get out.

I looked him up and down before stepping out.

I folded my arms, tapping a finger against the opposing upper arm. Eren came out, although he lagged behind me a bit. I looked over to him, “You didn't do anything wrong.”

He glanced at me briefly, though quickly went back to looking down. It was almost like the walk of shame. Or is that _exactly_ what it is?

“I mean, like—it-it's a public bathroom a-and...”

Would I have continued if we were in my room? I'm not all that sure.

I feel like I want it, but I don't know one-hundred percent.

“Really. You're... you're fine. Don't worry about it.” I said, stepping towards him and nudging his shoulder with my own. “C'mon,” I drawled out, trying to sound playful to lighten up the mood.

Did I see us getting together? Again, I'm not all that sure.

I didn't want to do things with him if I wasn't going to make it official.

“What happened with Armin?” I asked, taking a few steps forward, Eren following beside me.

“He told me to check on you, and as I got up to leave, his friend came over and they both left.” _Oh..._

I wasn't going to lead him on like that, do _things_ with him—probably get his hopes up for a relationship—and then shut it down.

No. He doesn't need that. He doesn't deserve that.

“Well, we still need to find Isabel and Furlan...—”

“They're in that children's toy shop,” Eren mumbled.

“What?”

“I saw them in the children's toy shop earlier, playing on some bikes or something. They saw us, but Izzy... She kind of did a thing that said ‘Go for it.’”

“Go for it?” I echoed.

“Mmhm.”

I had walked us to the entrance of the shop. “Go for what?”

Eren laughed, “Levi, I—well, _we_ all love you, but you're kind of an idiot.”

I let out a huff, pushing the door open, holding it as Eren stepped out with me and we walked onto the sidewalk just outside.

“Well, I think that—”

_“LEVI!”_

I winced, turning to see Isabel running towards us, stumbling and nearly falling forward as she came to a stop, Furlan jogging towards us just behind her.

“Well I just ruptured an eardrum...” I mumbled.

She was breathing heavily as she stood up as straight as she could, finger pointing at herself then to Eren a few times as she looked to me. “We have to go home.”

“What? Why?”

She ignored my questions as she let out an exasperated breath, dropping her hand to her side, “Like, _now_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My mood and muse have been, like, -1000.
> 
> —But! This past Thursday I got some really, really, really, _really_ good fucking news so that definitely picked me up.  
>  Once upon a time ago, I was sitting in my chair and got overly excited and literally rolled out of my chair laughing and being happy n shit. It was great.
> 
>  
> 
> I have 2 (maybe 3) ways I can play the events of this chapter in the next one. So this ought'a be interesting...


	9. The Thoughts of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What's wrong?”
> 
> “Everything that isn't correct.”
> 
> “Hm.” I laughed softly, quickly. “Cute.” I leaned to the side, head pressing against the wall. “But, really, what's upsetting you right now?”
> 
> He rolled his eyes and scoffed, standing up, reaching for the bag on the floor. He swung the bag over his right shoulder, walking past me and around the bed. Kid didn't make it that far, just barely at the foot of the bed, before I had shot up and grabbed his arm. Due to the unexpectedness of my action, the kid stumbled as a result, but was still quick to regain his balance.
> 
> I was sure I saw his shoulder jolt slightly a couple times before Eren attempted to jerk his arm out of my grasp. No use on his part. I'm stronger than him; noted.
> 
> “Please let go... I'm fi-ine.”
> 
> His voice cracked.
> 
>  _Shit_.
> 
> I waited just a second too long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I always love noticing grammatical errors and such long after I've posted chapters...)
> 
>  
> 
> Oh, right, well it's not in _this_ chapter but do be warned that there _will_ be homophobia in this to come and there will be slurs spoken as well. Of course, I'll put a warning at the beginning of the chapter, but this is just an early heads-up.
> 
> Also, I am continuing to attempt to write longer chapters from here on out.

I guess an explanation was a little too much to ask for? No. With the tone Isabel had given me when I asked again about the situation she just slapped in my face, it was a _hell of a lot_ to ask for. I couldn't decide on what sort of feeling I should be attentive to at that time—worry; fear; frustration (because hell take me if I ask a simple question to Isabel and not get an actual answer, but rather get her own frustration directed towards me). I guess I went with all three, and then some, because I did know, however, that it had left me feeling overwhelmingly anxious. I think Eren could see that I was shaking — even though both of my hands were squeezing the steering wheel as tightly as I could and holding on for dear life — because he made asked me a question. It was out of the blue and seemed to have absolutely no context whatsoever:

“Who's your favorite author?”

“What?” I raised an eyebrow, turning my head slightly towards him, looking at him briefly before fixing my attention onto the road ahead again.

“Your favorite author~” he hummed. “You do like reading, don't you?”

“I guess I do...”

Is this an attempt to distract me?

“So...?” He nudged my shoulder. Which, really, seemed to have been more so an excuse to get closer to me, since he scooted to the side, leaning into my shoulder ever so slightly. I pulled away from him, shuffling in my seat. I brought an arm onto the side of the door, the side of my jaw resting on top of my thumb, index finger on my cheek, right hand still gripping the steering wheel. I saw him sit straight then.

“I suppose I'd have to go with Ellen Hopkins...” I murmured with a sigh.

“Oh! I like her, too. Which is your favorite book by her?”

From directly behind me, a hushed whisper coming from Furlan, “You didn't have to totally bitch out Levi for asking...”

An equally quiet, though obviously irritated, response, “Shut up. He's _literally_ right there.”

“Ah. Just like Kenny—you guys don't bother to be quiet when you're talking about me.” I said, looking at them through the rear view mirror. I'm sure I heard Isabel mumble an apology, but she could have also just as easily cursed at me. I looked forward again, “I don't think I can pick a favorite. ‘Impulse,’ I guess, I can relate to the most. But ‘Crank’ and ‘Glass’—everyone has an addiction and I... I guess I can kind of relate to quite a few, maybe all, of her books.”

“I really like her writing style. It's different. Especially the different ways you can read certain pages.” I heard the brunet laugh softly, grabbing my direct attention and compelling me to look over at him through the corner of my eye — because his laugh is absolutely amazing — though the laugh had faded, and I was met with a little smirk. It wasn't quite mischievous or smug — I don't think he'd ever look at me in an utterly condescending way... like he is utterly superior of me; he looks at me more with a... look of equality. I like that — it was more so cheeky. But that also kind of contradicts everything I've said so far, hasn't it? “What do you think about all the lovey-dovey moments?”

“What do you mean?” By now, I had looked back at the road because I'm trying to not kill everyone today. Plus, if I made it out okay, I wouldn't be asked if I'm okay, I'd be bitched at for fucking up the truck.

I'm only about sixty percent serious.

“Can you relate to those, too?” I could see the spoonful of hope there, half a cup of fear, and jealousy used for a little zest.

Hope for me to love him. Fear for if I've never loved anyone. Jealousy for if I have loved before.

Although, like many things I conjure up, this is assumption-based.

“I don't know, Eren, _can I_?”

And, with a miraculous change of tone and atmosphere, came Isabel pushing her way through in between us, arms coming up on the back of the seat. “I'm sure, if he hasn't, that he could. Because, you know... you're around now.”

I'm surprised I've gone so long without killing this child...

“Isabel...” I grumbled, glaring at her through the rear view mirror.

“We all know it's the truth.” She said, voice light.

“He can't handle the truth!” Furlan yelled, hands coming onto my shoulders and shaking me.

“Jesus—” I brought my left hand to his arms, trying to get him to get off of me. “You're really gonna quote stupid shit like that?”

Red light. Ha. My lucky day...

Just as I went to grab at his arms (and probably break them, but not really), he let go and plopped back down in the seat, along with Isabel. Seems everyone except me was laughing.

A roll of my eyes, their gradually-dying down laughter, then I was back to driving down the road to Isabel's house.

I guess his distraction worked out to do just that, since I'm calmer now.

  


* * *

  


I stopped the car in the driveway, looking at the two other cars parked before my eyes fell on the house itself. I sighed before pulling the keys out of the ignition and unbuckling myself.

“What are you doing?” Isabel asked, voice laced with — from my years of knowing her I could tell exactly what she was feeling at any given time — worry and fear.

Let's just have everyone in this truck be worried and scared out of their mind, why don't we?

“What does it look like?” I asked rhetorically, pushing the metal door open and hopping out. “I'm going in with you guys.” I finished, shutting the door and shoving the keys into my front pocket, walking around to the passenger side where Eren had just stepped out, Isabel coming out from the door of the backseat on the same side.

“Are you fucking stupid?!”

“See, that's it. Right there.” I furrowed my brows downward. “That's what's got me so anxious—because even _you're_ anxious.” I turned on my heels, making my way to the front door. “You don't even need to tell me anymore, I'm sure I can figure it out all on my own.”

My first idea would have to be the situation deals with Eren's ‘dad.’

Eren came bounding on after me, hand coming up on my upper arm. “Levi, I really think you shouldn't—”

I shook my arm away, casting the kid a glare. “It's nice you can think, Eren. Really. But don't play parent with me, yeah?” Let's play a game: how much of an asshole can I be today before I get punched in the face?

I didn't bother knocking, just pushed the front door open and stepped inside. No one in the hallway—

I stepped into the living room

—Or in here—

then walked around into the kitchen

—or—?

“Who the hell are you?”

If I didn't want to totally curse the guy out — because, really, who else could this guy be other than Eren's ‘dad’? Well, maybe a burglar, but if that was the case, he would've tried taking me out — I just issued him a smile with a slight tilt of my head. My way of telling him that I wanted to murder him, but it's _unfortunately_ illegal and there are currently witnesses. Although, I'm sure they'll all be my alibi regardless.

 _Make one wrong move and I'll kill you_.

I contradict myself a lot, don't I?

“Heyyy~!” Isabel chimed, swinging an arm around me and producing an even faker smile than mine. “This is Levi aaand...” she turned her body before resting her arm on my head and pointing on behind me. “That is Furlan!”

If I didn't like Isabel so much, I would've broke her arm in about six different places.

She faced forward again, one arm still around me, while the other had come down onto her hip. She was grinning now—still as fake as ever.

“Where's Eren?”

“Oh, I'm sure he's coming in right behind us.”

Sure enough, he came into view, standing just a couple feet in front of me and off to the side.

“You wanna go ahead and tell your friends goodbye?”

I spoke before Eren had a chance to open his mouth. “We were planning on staying awhile, actually. You know... watch movies and whatnot...”

The man gave me a look. Which looked as though he wanted to give me a glare but was trying to not appear as he really was—a piece of shit. “We have to be heading home, _actually_.”

Ooh! I like that condescending tone in your voice!

I nodded, still smiling. I'm sure my cheeky smile was definitely able to be read.

“Well, I guess we could help him pack then. Right?” Furlan said, coming around to wrap an arm around the kid whom only nodded.

The man gave Isabel a look. If I had to guess, I'm sure he was assuming she's told us, at least, _some_ of the things he's done.

“Sure. But we have to be heading out in an hour.”

All four of us were quick to get the hell out of that kitchen and go upstairs to the guest room with Isabel shutting the door behind us.

“I swear, you almost got us all killed, Levi.” She probably wanted to be angry, but she laughed lightly at the end regardless.

Isabel sat down on the ground next to the bed, looking under the bed before pulling a bag down. Eren had sat in front of her and the bag, though his back was turned towards her as he faced the small set of drawers. Furlan had flopped down onto the bed, so it was obvious he wouldn't bother helping. He laid on his stomach, arms dangling over the edge, just above the bag Isabel had laid out. Eren pulled a drawer open, pulling out a few things of clothing and setting them down beside him, leaving Isabel to organize it into the bag. Well, she was always could at packing, so I suppose Eren was using that to his advantage. Maybe.

“What can I do...?” I asked.

Eren didn't look at me as he spoke. “I'm sure you can find the things in the closet that are mine... just toss them over on the bed and I'll get to them.”

“... I can fold clothing just fine.”

He shrugged, “I didn't really want to have you doing work for me.”

I scoffed, turning to face the closet as I pulled the doors open. “Because folding clothes suddenly became hard work.” Yeah, it was easy to tell what was Eren's and what wasn't... speaking as though this looked to be a second closet for Isabel. Ha. And she _still_ complains about ‘not having enough clothes.’

  


* * *

  


Isabel had gone about packing the suitcase, though about halfway — namely when I had finished pulling out clothes from the closet and folding them — I actually took a look at how she had done it and... wasn't quite pleased. I didn't even say anything before I had taken all of the items out of the bag and refolded them — I'd be doing that much at the very least, I noted to myself before going about that. To be expected, Isabel was annoyed and gave up on packing it again, so I was left to do that, back against the wall with me facing the bed. Isabel had joined Furlan, though she was laying on her back, legs crossed. I didn't look up much, but I did see her move her arms and hands while she spoke about...

I guess I didn't pay attention much, either.

I zipped the back, pushing it to the side where Eren still sat, looking over to see that he was actually laying on his back, legs pinned up on the wall so that his body was in a ‘L’ shape, hands on his stomach, eyes looking up blankly. Look long enough — or just have good intuition — and you could see that his brows were furrowed upward, eyes darkened with negative emotions and thoughts, a certain drizzle of fear visible on his facial features, the slight shake of his hands — though I could tell he was trying to hold them still as best as he possibly could — and I'm fairly certain his eyes were watered-up—that he was on the verge of tears. 

I turned my body to the side a bit to face the brunet, one bent leg resting on the floor, the antithetical leg bent and in the air, an arm resting atop my knee. “Hey, Izzy?” I looked over at her just as her green eyes met my own eyes. “Do you to mind stepping out to give me a minute with Eren?”

“Ohh?” She hummed suggestively with a smirk, rolling over onto her stomach. “Sure, Levi.” A pat on Furlan's back (and his own smirk directed towards me...), then the two had gone out into the hallway, door shutting behind them.

Right as the door shut, the kid lifted his upper body, propping himself up with his elbows, glaring at me. “The fuck is that for?”

Okay, yeah, I get it, I was a dick earlier on the way in. This is to be expected.

“You'd rather talk with me, right?” He just continued to look at me with obviously-painted vexation. “What's wrong?”

“Everything that isn't correct.”

“Hm.” I laughed softly, quickly. “Cute.” I leaned to the side, head pressing against the wall. “But, really, what's upsetting you right now?”

He rolled his eyes and scoffed, standing up, reaching for the bag on the floor. He swung the bag over his right shoulder, walking past me and around the bed. Kid didn't make it that far, just barely at the foot of the bed, before I had shot up and grabbed his arm. Due to the unexpectedness of my action, the kid stumbled as a result, but was still quick to regain his balance.

I was sure I saw his shoulder jolt slightly a couple times before Eren attempted to jerk his arm out of my grasp. No use on his part. I'm stronger than him; noted.

“Please let go... I'm fi-ine.”

His voice cracked.

 _Shit_.

I waited just a second too long.

Eren started shaking, the bag sliding off his shoulder and falling to the ground, the kid leaning side to side a couple times. Just as his knees had seemed to buckle, I pushed myself forward and wrapped my arms around him before he could fall. And, although I did manage to not let him go tumbling to the ground, I hadn't fully anticipated the sudden and drastic shift in weight, so I stumbled backwards. In my stumbling, I had already gone to far down to see myself regaining my composure, so I just dealt with taking us both down as gently as I could, letting my body hit the ground first to cushion his own fall.

I still had my arms wrapped around him as he, now, sat in between both my legs, his back pressed to my chest. It wasn't even a whole ten seconds before he tilted to the side, still shaking and noticeably sobbing and hyperventilating. I pulled myself out from behind and under him, making sure to come out on the side he was falling at so I could bring an arm out to support his weight for a couple seconds as I sat on my legs in front of him. Both my hands held onto his shoulders as I looked directly at him.

My attempt to not sound panicked hadn't gone quite as planned as I said, “Eren?”

He looked dazed. Even though he was shaking and moving about more than he could control as he kept hyperventilating and with tears streaming down his cheeks. It was like he couldn't see me, or maybe even _anything_. “Ere—” Suddenly, he ducked his head so that he was looking downwards, bringing an arm up and balling his hand into a fist before slamming it down onto his own thigh.

“Shit!” Arm up again, then down onto his thigh again. “Sh-shit!” As his other arm went up, I reached out to grab his arm, but he slammed it down onto his leg before I could even grace him. “Fuck! Shit!!” Right as he brought his arm up, I lurched forward, arms wrapping around his shoulders and body and meeting at his back, trying to stop as much of his movements as possible. “L-let go of me!” He was thrashing about, though my hold was strong, so he'll stay put as long as I stay put.

As expected, the door burst open.

“Levi, what's going on?!” _Isabel_.

“Get off!” Eren screamed.

I'd go deaf, but It'd be for a good cause.

“Eren...” I said gently. “Hey, hey, hey...” Ever try saying something calmly into the ear of a screaming person to try and calm them down? “It's fine. I'm right here...” It's difficult and definitely not one hundred-percent effective, but there's always that chance, right? “You're safe. It's okay.” All I really need right now; all I really care for—that little chance. “Shh... shh... shh...”

After a short while more of me speaking calmly into his ear as to try and soothe him, he had traded in screaming curse words for plain old screaming through his sobs, though he had muffled it by pressing his face into my neck. I could feel his hands balling fists into the lower back of my shirt. I was sure Isabel had questioned me a few times, but she wasn't quite my main concern right now. Well, if I had to say something that was my main concern, I suppose it would have to be Eren's ‘dad’... Since, sure enough, he came into the room and started yelling at me. Well, no, not quite ‘yelling,’ more so he raised his voice as he spoke to me in a hostile tone. Or is that his ‘normal’ tone of voice? I kind of understand what that blond kid probably meant by what he said now...

... And I guess everyone thought _I_ did this to him. Ha. Couldn't blame any of them for that assumption—this is _quite_ the scene to walk in to.

I heard Isabel talking to the man, which shut him up enough — _thank god_ — and then I was left to, now, semi-awkwardly calm Eren down as much as I could.

It took awhile, and by the time I had let go of Eren, it was just us in the room again and I was left wondering when everyone had escorted themselves out. No use in questioning it much, I think, not like it's affecting anything whether I know or not. I pulled myself away from the brunet, palm pressing into the carpet and pushing downwards as I lifted my body up to stand. I extended an arm for the boy to take as I helped him up onto his own feet. I grabbed the bag, swinging it over my left shoulder.

I figured asking about the trigger would probably send him spinning again, so I opted against inquiring.

“Are you okay now?”

“As ‘okay’ as I'm gonna get.”

I sighed, tilting my head to the side. “Are you going to be okay going back home?”

“I'm sure I'll be okay _going_ home, but once I get back... Hmm...” He shrugged, “Why don't you let your mind wander on that a little bit?”

“I'd rather not.” I murmured, leaning back against the wall. It was a little uncomfortable, with the bag and all, but it would only be for a few minutes. I can manage. “Do you have a cellphone?”

“Aw.” He cooed. “You think that guy would actually let me have things like that.” He shook his head. “The closest thing to a gift I get from him comes in blue, purple, and red.”

The bundle of joy strikes again.

“Home phone?”

He shook his head, bringing his thumbs over his eyes to wipe away some of the remaining liquid away. “I really don't have access to anything that could grant me access to the ‘outside world.’ Aside from the TV.”

“So there's no way to contact you?”

He laughed lightly. “You can call my dad.”

I rolled my eyes, standing straight and patting the kids back before making my way to the bedroom door. “Give me your address?”

“Wow. You really are suicidal, huh?” He let out an exasperated breath. “Yeah. Sure... Have something I—”

I pulled my phone out of my pocket, unlocking it and opening Notes before handing it to him. I walked out of the room, Eren just behind me as we walked around the hall and to the stairs, the boy handed me my phone back. I looked over the address. “Shiganshina county... That's about two hours from here, yeah?” I looked over to Eren whom just nodded. “Yeah.” I nodded, too. “I could totally make that drive.” I paused, starting down the stairs, “Looking at your house—where's your bedroom? Or at least a window to it.”

“You're pretty serious, aren't you?”

“That's a good word, I guess.”

Determined to check in with you as much as I possibly can, more like.

“Um... Looking directly at the back of the house, it's the window on the top left.”

The front door was open, with Isabel just barely walking outside as we came down. I looked outside to see that Furlan was sitting on the back of the truck and that Isabel was walking out to another car, Eren's ‘dad’ tossing a couple bags into the trunk. The brunet had gone to take a step outside, I brought an arm up to his chest, stopping him. “Hey, wait...”

He took a couple steps away from the archway of the door and I turned around on the door frame to face him. “Um...” My eyes looked outside briefly again before I gently pushed on Erens shoulder to get away from the door, standing at the base of the stairs once more. “... You're still wondering about, um...” I hadn't even noticed that I was looking downwards at the wooden floor.

“I never found you to be shy type, Levi.” Eren said, pressing his back to the wall and folding his arms over his chest.

“About us getting together?” I glanced up at the male, meeting his dark green gaze that had, for a split second, seemed to light up and glimmer with anticipation.

“Hmm?” _He knows exactly what I'm going for, he just wants me to say it in black-and-white..._

“Do you want to go out with me?”

“We both know I want to.”

A pause.

“... _Will_ you go out with me?”

He chuckled softly, standing up straight. “Sure, Levi.” he hummed, handing coming up on my right shoulder, patting it a couple times before walking on behind me.

“Wh-why does that sound sarcastic?” I asked, turning around quickly.

He shrugged. “It's not. You were just so adamant about not going out this is just...” He smirked, “It makes me feel a little cocky, you know?”

“Tch.” I followed behind him as he stepped out onto the front porch and down the steps onto the pathway to the driveway, Eren going around to the passenger side of the car where I saw Isabel come running up to him, and I had gone around to the trunk.

I swung the bag off my shoulder, setting it down in the trunk. The man came up beside me, looking into the trunk as he spoke, “Do you know what set him off?”

I raised a brow, looking at the man through the corner of my eyes. “No...” I looked down into the trunk as well. “You know as much as I do right now.” _The fuck do you care?_ “It's probably best not to ask him about it. It'd probably just send him spiraling like that again. If he tells you, then he tells you.”

“And he's okay now?”

“... Yeah.”

“Alright.” He took a step back, arms reaching upwards to grab the trunk. I took a step back just as he slammed it down, closing it. “Good job on calming him down...” I looked at the man just in time to see him issue a look. It wasn't positive — I don't think the guy can ever be or seem positive — it was like a... hateful look; vengeful, even. He may have been thankful I could manage to calm Eren down, but I could definitely tell he didn't like me. Maybe because I was being a little shit to him earlier, but I'm sure there was something else. There's always something else.

I stepped onto the grass, looking to Eren in the passenger seat, raising a hand to wave him off — I wonder, is my anxiety obvious to him? I definitely felt like shit having to let him leave with that guy. But I don't—

“Hey, Isabel?” I called, grabbing the girls attention as I followed her back into the house. “If you know about that guy abusing Eren, then your parents have to know, too, right?”

“Uh...” she looked away, walking around to the kitchen with me just behind her. “Actually, no. They don't. I only found out about it because I noticed some of his bruises and asked about 'em.” She sighed, opening a cabinet to grab a cup. “At first he wouldn't tell me, so then I threatened to tell his dad and he started, like, panicking.” She opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle of juice, walking to the counter and setting the cup down, opening the bottle. “He ended up telling me just the basics of it then and um... He begged me not to tell anyone...”

“That's fucking stupid. If you—”

She looked over her shoulder. “You didn't let me finish.” I went silent and she looked away again, lifting the bottle to pour the juice into the glass. Just then, I heard the front door shut and, a few moments later, Furlan was in the kitchen with us. “My parents were out that night, and when they came home, both Eren and his dad were gone. I told my parents anyway but they, ah, they didn't believe me...” She set the bottle down and twisted the cap back on, returning it to the fridge. “The next time they visited, I noticed they were eyeing Eren the whole time but... even _I_ didn't see anything on him. I don't know what happened, if he used concealer or if he was hit elsewhere where people couldn't see...” She sighed, turning around to face both of us. “I've been trying to get proof, but... we see how well that's gone.”

“How long have you known?”

“A couple of months?”

“Fucking hell, Isabel.” I said exasperatedly.

“Given that they've only visited three or four times since I've known. First time, I said, they left. After that, I couldn't find anything on the kid.”

 _I saw a bruise on his arm_ today.

I wouldn't make her feel worse about the situation, so I kept quiet about that.

“Well, I plan on visiting him some night...”

“Since when?” Furlan asked.

“Since about ten minutes ago,” I said. “Maybe I could bring a camera over, set it up somewhere hidden, then have Eren turn it on to record when the guy starts going off?”

“Not a terrible idea.” Furlan said, walking around to grab Isabel's drink she had set down, taking a gulp from it.

“You could've gotten your own!” She complained, smacking his arm lightly. “Ugh. Anyway...” she looked over to me, totally giving up on her juice. Which, I think, is exactly why he does that with her all the time. She gives up so easily. “... Why was Eren having a breakdown?”

“I'd like to know, too, but I didn't want to risk him spiraling again by asking.”

She sighed, folding her arms and looking down.

Suddenly, she looked to the blond with a little smirk, “Oh, speaking of Eren—” she glanced at me for a split second. “—You owe me twenty dollars.”

Furlan's eyes went wide as he looked at me. “Holy shit, Levi! I mean, props for making it official, but could you have, like, waited a little longer? Like, I don't know... a couple months?”

“What?”

Isabel laughed, “Well, we had a bet on how long it'd take you to ask out Eren — oh, right, by the way, he told me while he was getting in the car—very cute — I bet that it would be by the end of the summer, and he bet that it'd be on Halloween, Christmas, or New Years.” She said, listing the holidays on her fingers as she stated them.

I shook my head, looking downwards. “Wow, guys...”

I could say I'm not sure why it came up so suddenly, but then I'd certainly be lying...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really want to include a transgender character. Like, really, really badly. It's going to happen, okay, whether you all like it or not. I just need to decide which character I'm going to go with.
> 
>  
> 
> Also, the song I'm referencing in these titles is ‘Blackboard’ (cover) by Nano.


	10. The Love I Feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I could've sworn I heard yelling...
> 
> I turned to Furlan suddenly, “Did you hear that?” I asked lowly.
> 
> ... I would have to guess it was Eren's dad.
> 
> “... The crickets?”
> 
> I let out an annoyed huff. “Come here!” I hissed in a hushed tone.
> 
> The blond came up next to me, facing me with an ear facing the window. “What is—” His eyes widened. “Oh...” he looked into the window. “Shit.”
> 
> And I'm sure _that_ was Eren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys still know _not_ to trust me, right?

I could say I'm not sure why it came up so suddenly — why I felt that sudden shift and opened up with an undeniably strong desire to go forth with what I hadn't originally planned to do—possibly _ever_ —to give away a fragment of my—what can I call it?—ego and personal desire to never have anything to do with someone that I may actually develop _actual_ , _real_ feelings for—I hate that word, ‘love,’ it leaves you vulnerable; I never wanted to be vulnerable, or _as_ vulnerable as I have been, because it always leads down the same path of being fucked over and ending up more fucked up in the head—because I could honestly say that I feel more than just a little susceptible to growing feelings for the kid. He seemed to have enough capability to do just that. Even to me, of all people.

To correct myself: I'm stronger than him, physically speaking, but it seems his pull on me makes him stronger than me, emotionally—in _this_ sense.

It's not like me. I'm not supposed to let people get to me like that. Like this. Or, maybe I've just never really been strong.

— But then I'd certainly be lying.

Honestly, I wanted him to be happy. I wanted to _see_ him happy. Although I'd probably deny it with every sliver of energy in my body, I wanted him to be happy _with_ me. I wanted to be there to be able to see him grow — no matter how long it takes — and blossom into something great. I can see it in his eyes—he's so broken; his eyes are so dull and lifeless... but I've seen those few times where they shimmered. It lasted for only a second.

I wanted to make it permanent.

I didn't spend much time as Isabel's house, since I really had no intention on staying there at all in the first place, it was just an easy lie to come up with on the spot — would you look at that, I did manage to lie there, didn't I? I think I'll just tell myself it's a white lie, since I ended up spending a little bit of time there anyway — before I was back in my truck, shoving the keys into the ignition and twisting them in the socket, starting the truck. Furlan opened the passenger side door, pulling himself up into the seat and pulling the door shut, grabbing the seat belt and buckling it into a locked state.

“What made you change your mind?”

“What?” I asked, reaching for my own seat belt and buckling it as well, grabbing the gear shift and switching it to reverse before putting my foot on the gas pedal, twisting my body around in the seat to look behind the vehicle as I pulled out of the driveway, turning the wheel to the right.

“... About asking Eren out.”

“Oh...” I put my foot on the brake pedal, looking at the blond next to me. “Um... I don't really know.”

“Sure you do.” By then, I was driving forward and down the road, avoiding the blond's gaze as much as I could. Really, it was easy to do, speaking as though I was driving.

“I just wanted to. And with yours and Isabel's bet, it's not like it's a totally absurd thing that I did anyway.”

“True. But you did seem pretty hell-bent about not having anything to do with him _like that_.”

“Again—the bet.”

“Is that going to be your only explanation for anything?”

“Well, _now_ it will be.”

Furlan scoffed, a light laugh following it thereafter.

The truck was silent for awhile before he spoke up again. “So, where are you and Kenny moving to?”

“Oh, uh...” I turned the wheel to the left, going down another street. “I actually don't know. I just know we aren't leaving the state. Really, it's probably just going to be about ten to twenty minutes away from where we currently live right now.”

“Yeah, probably. That's what happened last time anyway.”

I chuckled, finally glancing at the male, “Oh, did you get worried that I'd move far away? Gonna miss me?”

“Shut up...”

I laughed again, slowing down when I came up on the familiar street. A short while later, I pulled into the driveway of Furlan's house. “Alright... Now get the hell out of my car.” Of course, I was kidding; and I was one hundred-percent sure he knew I was kidding.

“So eager to get rid of me,” the blond said, issuing me a pouty face as he looked at me while unbuckling himself and pushing the truck door open. He stepped down onto the ground, turning around and holding the door. “When do you plan on going over to Eren's anyway?”

“Um...” I bit at the inside of my bottom lip, shuffling in my seat. “I think... maybe...” Honestly, I hadn't thought about _when_ I'd go around to do it, I just knew that I would and that I _had_ to, and that it needed to be as soon as possible. I brought an arm up onto the side of the door where the window was rolled down, head resting in my palm, fingers brushing through my hair there. I stared at the steering wheel for awhile before I turned my head to get a better look at the male. “What do you think is a good time?”

“Pfft.” He shook his head a couple times before folding his arms on the seat, leaning into the vehicle. “Maybe a better question is, ‘When can you get the truck again?’”

“Ah...” I sighed, looking away from him and back at the steering wheel. “Well,” I sat up straight, left hand coming up to grab the steering wheel, the antithetical hand grabbing the gear shift. “Depending on if Kenny's feeling generous or not, I may have to end up stealing the car for a night without him finding out.”

“Alright, but—” He raised a finger, shaking it at me as he stood up, taking a step from the truck and putting his hand on the outside of the door. “—Whenever you do plan on going over there, bring me with you, yeah?”

I nodded, “yeah.”

He let out a huff of approval before pushing the door shut, the hand on the door raising to issue a farewell as he turned around to walk up to his house and I had goen to pull out of the driveway and head back to my own house to — as Isabel so eloquently puts — ‘sell my soul to Satan.’

  


* * *

  


“The hell do you need to be going two hours out'a the way for again?” Kenny asked, voice gruff.

“To go to Eren's house...” I murmured lowly in response, chin in my palm as I played around with the food on my plate with a fork.

“Why?”

“To visit.”

“You need to visit your friend _that_ late at night?”

“And spend the night there, too.”

“I've never even met his parents. And I hardly know the kid myself.”

“You've have quite a few conversations with him, actually, you were just too drunk to remember.”

Kenny scoffed, taking another bite of food, probably thinking up a response or some other argument for me not to go.

“Furlan would be going with me, too.” I added in hopes that he may feel more comfortable with me going. Really, I don't see why he wouldn't feel comfortable. He has no reason to. It's really only us kids who know anything about _that_ situation. “Kind of like a ‘guys night.’”

The man laughed, “Since when do you do ‘guys nights.’”

“... Since I had more than one guy friend.” This was becoming tiresome and overall annoying as hell at this point. I suddenly let go of my fork, both hands coming down onto the table, my left hand making more noise since it had been in the air just a moment before. “Seriously, what's your real issue with me going?”

He didn't say anything for awhile, just looked at me.

“I'm done with this conversation.” He said finally, standing up. “Go ahead and go.”

I blinked a couple times, still a little surprised he dropped the argument and agreed. He probably just didn't want to hear me argue for it anymore. Oh well. Not like it's hurting me. I turned in my seat, watching as he started down the hall. “I'll be, um, taking the truck tomorrow night.” I called.

“Yeah, yeah.” The sound of his bedroom door shutting.

  


* * *

  


I parked in Furlan's driveway, grabbing my phone from the cupholder and sending him a message saying that I was outside.

That Monday had gone by painfully slow. Lucky for me, I had weed to pass the time with. That, however, couldn't stop me from feeling anxious. In fact, it amplified my anxiety and paranoia. Once I noticed that — and after I had gone around the entire house, looking in every single room for any danger, for about two hours — I opted to not smoke anymore. Instead, I laid in my bed with the TV turned on. Distraction one; check. Along with messaging both Isabel and Furlan, talking about nothing and everything. Distraction two; check.

An hour later—distraction one and two; useless.

For distraction-three-becoming-current-distraction-one, I had decided to clean the entire house. Every single room—vacuumed, dusted, mopped, scrubbed; hell, I even scrubbed the walls and took the dare as to go into Kenny's room — desperate times call for desperate measures... — and clean _that_ atrocity. Four hours later, it was only six p.m.

Back to the TV and messaging Furlan and Isabel.

Another hour, and I ended up grabbing all of my bowls and started cleaning them. After I cleaned out mine, I went for Kenny's.

The resultant of cleaning out the bowls was that I made another mess on my bed and the floor so I ended up doing a load of laundry, watching my sheets spin in _both_ the washer and dryer — I was really, _really_ desperate to kill time — then vacuuming and scrubbing at the floor. You'd think I'd be more careful when I cleaned those things out but... today's an off-day for me.

Again— _really_ desperate to kill time.

Correction: that Monday had gone by _excruciatingly_ slow.

But that all really doesn't matter, now does it? My eyes fell onto the figure standing in the, now, open doorway. I quickly identified the figure as Furlan, seeing as though the light from inside had drawn out the color of his hair—blond. The male walked along the paved walkway to the driveway, then up to the truck, pulling the door open and pulling himself up inside, plopping down in the seat with a huff before he buckled himself in, camera on his lap. He murmured a quick, “Alright, let's get going.” Sure as hell didn't have to tell me twice.

I started pulling out of the driveway before turning onto the street and making my way for the main road. “Unlock my phone and start the GPS, will you?”

“Yeah.” He breathed, reaching for my phone in the cup holder and tapping the ‘start’ icon. Sure enough, that mildly annoying robotic voice came on to order me around for the next two hours.

  


* * *

  


The car ride wasn't bad — aside for Siri, of course — since Furlan was good at casual banter. He's got quite a few funny stories from his life at home that I don't experience with him because we all know I'm not literally around him or Isabel twenty-four-seven.

I looked at the house as we passed, eyeing the front of it to quickly take in a few of the details. I kept driving forward, parking at the end of the cul-de-sac, putting the car in park before twisting and pulling the key out. I pushed my door open, hopping down onto the asphalt ground, grabbing my phone and turning the GPS off and tossing my phone onto the seat, shoving my keys that went in my front pocket—of course, _after_ Furlan had gotten out and I locked the truck.

We walked side-by-side back up the street, my eyes looking at the houses as we passed them. I noted the parked car in Eren's driveway as I turned into the driveway of the house right next door. I walked around to the backyard, eyeing Eren's house nonchalantly. When I was sure no one was outside or in direct view of a window, I cut into the backyard. “Try to find some pebbles,” I whispered to the blond just behind me as I continued to sneak up closer to the house, eyes looking around at the house, the street, the yard, and at the ground. I knelled down against the back of the house, hands feeling around at the ground. I found two pebbles. _Great_...

I slowly raised myself off the ground, looking up into a window that was there. No one seemed to be downstairs. Then—

I could've sworn I heard yelling...

I turned to Furlan suddenly, “Did you hear that?” I asked lowly.

... I would have to guess it was Eren's dad.

“... The crickets?”

I let out an annoyed huff. “Come here!” I hissed in a hushed tone.

The blond came up next to me, facing me with an ear facing the window. “What is—” His eyes widened. “Oh...” he looked into the window. “Shit.”

And I'm sure _that_ was Eren.

It was lucky we came today—in the sense that we could catch the guy actively abusing Eren. Well, _if_ we were hearing everything correctly, that is...

I looked up to look at the upstairs windows. There were a couple lights on. Now, the question was how we were going to get up there to see...

I looked back at eye level to see that Furlan had started walking along the side of the house, still carefully looking through each window before he passed it. I was quick to get a move on after him, guessing that maybe he either saw something downstairs, or he found a way to look into the window upstairs. I saw the blond walk up the back porch steps before standing up at the back door.

He's an idiot.

He's a god-damn idiot.

I hurried up the steps, grabbing him and pulling him back away from the door. “What if they're actually downstairs?”

“Didn't sound like they were downstairs.” He grumbled, standing up straight, reaching for the handle again.

“What if they have an alarm system?” Furlan stopped himself, pulling his hand away and bringing his arm to his side, looking over at me. “Plus, odds are the back door isn't going to be unlocked.”

“How do you expect to get inside?”

I bit at my bottom lip. “Uh... go around to the front and check for one of those little sign things.”

“Pfft. Of course I gotta do it.” He murmured before sneaking off to do just that.

A minute later, he got back up onto the porch, going for the door and grabbing the handle, twisting it and pulling. As expected, it was locked.

The blond groaned, turning around. “Now what?” _Trust me, I'm as irritated as you are_.

“Try the windows...” I said with a sigh and a shrug, going for the nearest window to try and open it. To my surprise, it opened with a light ‘pop.’ “Holy shit...” I whispered as I continued to lift it up. Again, it was to my surprise. Can't expect these things to be unlocked, ever, and especially not usually the first one you try.

I huffed, a hand coming onto the window pane as I brought a leg up and over into the house, ducking my head under and pulling my body inside, my other leg coming in with me. Furlan came up behind me, repeating my own actions. “Turn on the camera.” I whispered, looking over my shoulder briefly to make sure he heard me. He did.

I looked forward again, taking a few cautious steps forward. I stopped suddenly, body jolting and shifting to the side with me letting out a groan, bringing a hand over my mouth. I managed to hit my hip on some table. We both stopped for awhile, making sure there wasn't any other noise but, damn, did it get louder in here compared to outside. Yelling from the father cut off briefly. I quickened my pace, hands coming up in front of my as I felt around. It took a little while, but I could finally see a little clearer.

I led Furlan and I around to the stairs, stepping up onto the first one slowly, then the second, third, continuing upwards.

I stopped in my tracked when I heard a loud bang, then another, and another — probably against a door—maybe locked; maybe Eren was trying to get out... _Why?_ I wanted to just rush in to wherever they were, but I knew I couldn't do that. We'd miss the opportunity to catch the guy and get him the hell out of Eren's life.

Right before we got to the top of the stairs, I turned to look at Furlan, gesturing to the camera in his hands before looking forward again, going up a couple more steps. I looked at one door to the left, open, but dark inside. Then, the hallway to the right. I bit at my bottom lip, walking cautiously that way. I wonder if Furlan could see me shaking—who wouldn't be? This is fucking terrifying. I was just about to turn around another corner, but I stopped just as the banging had stopped, and, for a couple seconds, I wondered why we hadn't told any adults — because we are still just _kids_ — and I wondered why we hadn't thought about calling the cops. This could go south very quickly. Regardless of whether we got the video or not, the guy could probably kill us—if he really wanted to.

No. It's too late now, anyway. We've already invested ourselves this far. We're going to see this through.

I stepped away from the wall, walking around the corner to see that the man was a few steps from the door, then, rushed forward, ramming his shoulder into the door.

The hell?

The guy took a few steps back again, then rammed his shoulder into the door again. He seemed to be getting more irritated, seeing as though the door just wouldn't budge.

_Ha!_

... Oh.

Spoke too soon.

To my surprise, when the door finally busted open, the man had ducked to the side, and I could see the back of him, sitting on his legs. “Eren, c'mon, you're okay.”—

... What?

—“Shit.” I saw him shuffling around a bit, murmuring several curse words. I took a few steps forward, leaning to the side as I looked into the bathroom — tiled floor, toilet... really, what else could it be? — “I need an ambulance.” He shuffled around a bit, and I could see him stand up briefly before knelling back down. “My son tried to commit suicide... There's — God — there's so much fucking blood.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I think I had a really good starting few paragraphs. Then it just went... so... bad... XD
> 
> Isabel's really involved with everything, but it's mainly because she's Eren's cousin so it just... Right, so I thought I need to be including Furlan more, so I chose him to be going with Levi.
> 
> I think I want to apologize early for the next chapter. Not 100% sure _exactly_ what's going to happen but... haha... I'm sure we can all imagine a few things, yeah?  
> ... oh jfc the next chapter's gonna be fucked up. XD


	11. I'm Not Calling You A Liar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is this? It suddenly feels like I can't breathe. My chest feels tight, and my lungs feel like they're coated in tar, unable to take in as much as I need with each inhale. Am I inhaling? Am I breathing? It definitely doesn't feel like it. What the hell is happening to me? Oh, I know. Somewhere along the way I started having a panic attack. Yeah. I know this feeling.
> 
> ‘I can breath,’ I have to keep telling myself.
> 
> Really? It definitely doesn't feel like I can.
> 
> Can I just close my eyes now? Can I just rest? I want to sleep. God, I'm so fucking tired. My chest wants to cave in, my lungs want to give up. _I_ want to give up.
> 
> Things can't go right for even a whole twenty-four hours, can they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter because... I don't know, I guess this is acting like a filler chapter, just adding some events/backstory before the later, more major events in the next chapter.
> 
> I guess I hope you all enjoy this chapter?

_“My son tried to commit suicide... There's — God — there's so much fucking blood...”_

I don't know exactly what I had expected. Or maybe I do, I just never wanted to picture it. I would've rather lived a full life never seeing this—well, as far as I get into this life, anyway.

As much as I wanted to stay...—I turned around on my heels, snatching the camera out of Furlan's hand and pushing past him, making sure to grasp a bit of his shirt into my open hand as I pulled him along with me down the hallway and to the stairs again. I knew one thing for sure: we were breaking-and-entering, and police were going to be here any minute. Which means we need to get the fuck out. That is, if we didn't want to get arrested tonight, anyway.

I turned off the camera, rushing down the stairs as quietly as I could. Which, really, wasn't all that quiet. It could have been, maybe, but with both me and Furlan rushing down the stairs, our weight managed to make a decent amount of noise, enough to bring attention to us from Eren's dad. It only forced us to move faster, which me practically shoving Furlan out the window and climbing out after him, pulling the window down most of the way before pressing my palms against the glass and sliding it down the rest of the way. After that, Furlan and I were sprinting to the truck.

I pulled out my keys while we were running, clicking the button to unlock the doors and we tossed ourselves inside, the camera being set down in between us. It was only then that I actually switched my light to yellow. I had shoved the keys into the ignition, gripping the steering wheel with both hands, staring blankly at the wheel.

“Levi...” A voice I recognized, spoken low, like a borderline mumble—barely audible.

I ignored it, continuing to stare blankly at the slightly-faded black leather steering wheel.

What the hell happened in twenty-four hours? Did his dad do something? Wasn't it his first day at school? What could have happened there? What prerequisite was there before he felt the need to attempt to kill himself?

 _Attempt_. Ha. Well, I'm being optimistic here, aren't I? That certainly won't last...

Did _I_ do something? Or is it the fact that I _didn't_ do something? If I had gotten there sooner, if I left maybe an hour earlier, I could have prevented this. Surely me having been there could've helped this situation somehow... right?

I liked being able to control something. Could I have controlled this situation? Have it play more in my favor and not the one where I have to wonder if Eren's already dead now, or if he'll make it to the hospital, or if he'll wind up being taken to a mental hospital for who-knows how long... I've forced myself to play a tragedy in my head. I thought whatever I created in my day dreams was worse than anything I could find in reality, so it would somehow feel better when I'm going about my day-to-day, but this... This seems far worse than anything I could ever play out in my head.

I can't control anything.

I want to sleep. I don't want to have to think about this. I don't want to have to worry, or be afraid, or feel anything. If I could just let myself dream now... Think of something else that isn't _this_. 

An endless nightmare, on repeat, plays again.

“Levi.” It was louder this time, though not overwhelmingly so; just above a “normal” speaking voice, not loud enough to be classified as a yell quite yet.

Again, I ignored it.

What is this? It suddenly feels like I can't breathe. My chest feels tight, and my lungs feel like they're coated in tar, unable to take in as much as I need with each inhale. Am I inhaling? Am I breathing? It definitely doesn't feel like it. What the hell is happening to me? Oh, I know. Somewhere along the way I started having a panic attack. Yeah. I know this feeling.

‘I can breath,’ I have to keep telling myself.

Really? It definitely doesn't feel like I can.

Can I just close my eyes now? Can I just rest? I want to sleep. God, I'm so fucking tired. My chest wants to cave in, my lungs want to give up. _I_ want to give up.

Things can't go right for even a whole twenty-four hours, can they?

I can hear myself hyperventilating. Would it be such a terrible thing if I just stopped breathing altogether? Can I please? Will anyone be mad at me? God, please don't be mad with me. Furlan, Isabel, Eren... I can't stand it if one of you were upset with me. Please. I'm sorry.

Eren, please be okay.

I can hear sirens, but I don't see anything.

The sirens faded, being replaced by the cadence of my pulse, the pulsating of my heart pounding my eardrums.

“Levi!” There it goes. The shouting voice to grab my attention, that, and a hand on my shoulder to shake me out of my trance-like state.

I whipped my head to the side to look at the blond, still breathing rapidly.

“Hey, c'mon, sit up.” He said calmly, reaching out to gently push on my chest to press my back against the seat to sit me up straight. I was still holding on to the steering wheel for dear life. “Breathe in for four counts, pause for three, and breathe out for eight counts.”

“Y-y-you're ask-ing for a fuck-ing mira-cle.” I said in between my quick breaths.

“You've done it before. C'mon.” He said, blinking slowly at me.

“Fuck.” I breathed, tilting my head back. It was only then that I felt water on my cheeks and drop onto my ears. _Damn_...

  


* * *

  


Three minutes later, and I was breathing normally, though I had exchanged my hyperventilating for only crying. My crying episode after that lasted for another ten minutes before I calmed down. This definitely isn't my worst. I was leaned forward, arms folded on top of the steering wheel with my forehead resting on top. 

“I can go ahead and drive us back and you can sleep in the back seat, if you'd like...”

I sighed, lifting my head, waiting a few moments as I thought about it. “Fuck it...” I breathed, climbing over the seats and plopping down onto the backseat, laying down on my back. I had my left knee bent, leg pressed against the back of the seat, while my right leg was bent and resting on the seat on its side, one hand on my stomach, the antithetical arm under my head.

“I hope you sleep well, Levi...” Furlan said as he scooted over to the drivers side.

“Did an ambulance come by?”

“Mmhmm... And they wheeled Eren out and headed for the hospital.” He chuckled. “Good Guy Levi.”

“Do you think... Isabel will be told about this?”

“I'm not sure, honestly. The guy could've started the whole thing, and to save himself from all the drama that would unfold, he'll probably opt for keeping it a secret and... scare Eren into not saying anything about it.”

That seemed like a very probable possibility, unfortunately.

“Should _we_ tell her?”

“It's going to come up regardless. After all, she knows we were doing this today.”

“True...”

He looked over at me. “I mean it, try and get some sleep, okay?”

I sighed, turning onto my side, back facing him, an arm still under my head to act as a pillow. 

How can I _possibly_ sleep, not knowing what's happening and what may happen to Eren? All my brain cab do is perform somersaults on endless repeat...

  


* * *

  


I pretended to be asleep at first, for maybe an hour, but after that, I just remember everything going black for awhile and me opening my eyes to the sound of Furlan talking to me.

“Levi?”

“Hm?” We were stopped somewhere.

“You don't mind if I spend the rest of the night at your place, do you?”

Possibly the best idea I've ever heard come out from his mouth because, honestly, I don't know how much I can trust myself for the next twelve hours.

I scoffed. “You're family, Blondie, you're always welcome.”

“Well, alright.” He chuckled softly before opening the vehicle door. “A few more minutes of driving, then.” He said as I heard him twist the key, starting up the car again.

“Oh! Right!” I heard some shuffling of objects in the front before he held out a phone to me. “Here. Open up Izzy's messages.”

I sat up with a light groan, grabbing the phone and holding it in front of me, entering the passcode and going to his messages. Many of Isabel's messages were asking why I wasn't answering my phone. Furlan told her I was sleeping, and then...

_2:47am: [I'm at the hospital. But they aren't letting anyone through yet...]_  
_2:47am: [Eren's getting a lot of stitches apparently... Do you know what happened?]_

Furlan told her that we walked in on his dad busting down the door and calling the police, and that we could see a lot of blood.

A question of how we got inside.

Admitting to breaking-and-entering.

_2:48: [I'll get back to you guys when I find out more, okay?_

“Why aren't we going to the hospital?!” My head shot up to look at the blond.

“Because, right now, they're only going to let family-family through. They won't even allow close family friends.”

“That's bullshit.” I grumbled.

“Yeah...”

When can I see him, then? How long will he be in there? Surely he'll go to a behavioral hospital when he's healed enough, right? How long will that be?

  


* * *

  


The ride to my place was silent, almost to the point where it was physically hurting me.

Another thing that almost physically pained me was the thoughts of Eren. To try and calm my nerves, I pulled out my phone and opened Isabel's messages, skimming over the words. Things I already knew. A little angry-spurt at me not even reading her texts. Nothing major or problematic. I typed in my own message, semi-dismissing her earlier messages.

_4:02am: [Hey. Sorry for not responding. I passed out. Anything new?]_

Phone back into my back pocke. Furlan walked ahead of me, locking the truck. He seemed to have left the camera in the car. Not that it matters, anyhow. I don't want to look at the contents—of what he's done on his own, and of tonight. I think it'll be better on my mental state to not physically see that again.

Furlan, having the set keys still, unlocked the front door and we both walked inside with both of us immediately going for my room. Furlan plopped down onto the left side, and I walked around to get onto the right side of the bed, laying down on my side, back to the blond.

A buzz in my pocket, and I was quick to reach back and pull out my phone.

Isabel.

_4:04am: [It's fine. Don't worry about it, okay? As for Eren...]_  
_4:04am: [I got a little to emotional when I got to his room and talked to him.]_  
_4:05am: [I literally said 10 words before I was in tears. haha...]_  
_4:05am: [We hugged for awhile... Well, actually... I hugged him...]_

Curiosity...

_4:05am: [Why do you say it like that?]_

_4:05am: [His wrists were cut up so fucking badly, the doctor's surprised his hands didn't fall off.]_

... killed...

the cat....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one is forcing you to read this, you know...
> 
> Shit's kind of hit the fan, so I won't be updating much of anything for a good while (also why this came so late and is so shitty).  
> Or maybe I will, just to let a bunch of emotions out...


	12. Just Don't Lie To Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, an update 8 months later. Beautiful.
> 
> On the bright side, I'm doing very well. And I think I'll be updating this more often but I'm not sure... (Don't really have a muse because I feel not many people are interested in this atm.)

For many kids, the first day of school generally elicits excitement—well, I suppose primarily elementary kids; and, as you get older, your excitement tarnishes as you continue the agonizingly slow cycle you have performed year after year: get up at o’dark thirty, get ready, go to school, go home, do homework/study, go to bed; many things in between, like showers and eating and the like.

I think there are two main reasons for kids in highschool to be excited about the first day of the new school year are:  
  
1) Friends; I'm sure they've seen each other during the summer, but they still make it a big deal on the first day to basically lose their shit upon seeing one another again.  
2) Clothing; I think most people go school shopping a week or two before the first day, except the primary goal isn't supplies—just put a couple notebooks, a binder, a pack of pencils and/or pens, maybe a highlighter, then the ‘real’ shopping begins—it’s clothing shopping. I think these people spend hours going through aisle after aisle, selecting dozens of articles of clothing, go to try them on, be disappointed if something doesn't look as good as they thought… Enough of this. It's silly, the act and speaking of it, and a waste of time.

Meanwhile, I was rather annoyed that morning to have to get up hours earlier than I had over the summer, to have to get dressed in some relatively comfortable attire—I wouldn't go to school with sweatpants, no matter how much I wanted to—so I just put on a simple maroon v-neck t-shirt with sleeves that came to my elbows, beige pants and black shoes.

I never took anything on the first day, and sometimes the whole first week. If I needed something for those few teachers who assign work on the get-go, I would just ask someone in the class.

I still had time to kill before I needed to leave, so I decided to lay in bed and relax, eyes closed. My phone vibrated in signal, the buzzing against the hard surfaced table alerting me. I opened my eyes and rolled over onto my side, reaching for the little device and opening the message.

_FARLAN 8:10am: [Are you up?]_

I scoffed.

_8:11am: [Nah.]_

_FARLAN 8:11am: [Are you going to school?]_

_8:11am: [Yeah…?]_

_FARLAN 8:12am: [Okay, better question: do you WANT to go to school?]_

_8:12am: [Hell no, but I think Kenny would be pissed if he found out I didn't.]_

_FARLAN 8:12am: [You're not even going to stay at the school for the whole week though, right?]_

Oh. I forgot… again.

_8:13am: [No. Where are you trying to go with this?]_

_FARLAN 8:13am: [Say “fuck school” and you, me, Isabel just go out for the day. Maybe even until you leave.]_

_8:13am: [Sure. I'm in the mood to die.]_

_FARLAN 8:14am: [What?]_

_8:14am [I told you, Kenny’s probably gonna be pissed.]_

_FARLAN 8:14am: [No, no. “It's only illegal if you get caught,” right?]_

_8:15am: [… I'll head over to pick you guys up. Tell Isabel.]_

I sat up in the bed before standing, grabbing my phone and keys before walking out of my room, down the hall, then out the front door and to the truck. I put my phone under my thigh, buckled my seatbelt, and started the car.

* * *

I don't know why I thought of it now, but I did.

Eren.

Maybe I was selfish, and maybe I was a little conceited. I thought I made him happier, and he had some faith in me and Isabel. But he tried to kill himself. Why?

I wondered if I would ever get that answer. I wondered how long he was going to be in the hospital. Isabel hadn't heard anything, so my pessimism was rising to a peak. I knew that, sometimes, they send you off to a long-term institution. The shortest amount of time I've heard someone staying in there was three months. Some people have stayed in there for as long as eight years.

I wondered if I would get to see him again. If he got out in a few years, would he remember me? Would he still have feelings for me? Would he make it that far, to get out? The staff hounds you all the time, but I know some people who have still succeeded in committing suicide. I guess I just had to keep hoping that he kept trying.

“Are you gonna pull out?”

I jumped, turning my head to see Farlan staring at me with a raised brow. I hadn't noticed or realized he got in the truck.

I blinked, turning my head forward quickly. “Y-yeah. Sorry.” I shifted the gear shift into reverse. Backed out of the driveway, turned into the road, then shifted to drive and started heading for Isabel’s house.

“Are you okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I'm fine. You just… kind of startled me.” I looked down to the pack of cigarettes I had in a cup holder. I pulled one out, along with a lighter on top of the pack, holding both in my right hand.

“You… didn't notice I got in the truck?”

I looked back to the road, putting the but of the stick in my mouth and flicking the lighter, inhaling the smoke before dropping the lighter back into the cup holder.

“No…” I exhaled, then waved my hand a bit. “I was kind of… in my thoughts…” I said, putting the thing back in my mouth and taking a long drag.

“Oh…” He grabbed a cigarette and the lighter, too. “What were you thinking about?” He asked as he put the stick in his mouth and lit the end, setting the lighter down where it was before.

I hadn't noticed I was tapping my left thumb repeatedly on the steering wheel in a hasty manner, and, at stop lights, all my fingers were moving on that steering wheel.

“Um…” I took a couple hits from the cigarette before answering. “... Eren.”

“What about him?”

I shook my head. “It’s nothing… I think I'm just overthinking.” I stuck the cigarette in my mouth as I used both hands to make a sharp turn. I hate that damn corner. I inhaled and exhaled with it still in my mouth before taking it back in between my right index and middle fingers.

“Well. Hopefully today we can get your mind off of that, yeah?”

“Yeah…” I said lowly.

What was nice about the school, Farlan’s house, and Isabel’s house… Is that, from the school to Farlan’s, it was about a fifteen minute drive; from Farlan’s to Isabel’s, it was probably just over five minutes.

I parked the truck in the driveway, letting Farlan inform Isabel that we were there.

* * *

I'd been driving about forty minutes before I parked. Because I didn't have input as to an idea upon where to go, and neither did Farlan, so Isabel suggested going to our favorite spot. It was called ‘Lorian’s Cafe.’ Now, I never got food from there, just coffee drinks—although, once, I drank a special peppermint hot chocolate Isabel told me to drink. Farlan always asked the ‘pretty ’ on her suggested drink, and he always got whatever she suggested; occasionally he would get something to eat, like a panini or muffin or whatnot. Isabel’s drink choices were all over the menu; you could never really guess what she was going to order; as food went, she always liked getting something sweet.

We also liked the place because the back was rather secluded. If you weren't back there, you couldn't see anything. We usually had a tendency to smoke back there.

* * *

We had a booth seat, with a frontal window view. I sat with a hand raised, elbow planted, chin rested in my palm, eyes looking out the window at the cars that passed.

“Isabel,” Farlan said, “your hair looks good.”

I looked over, only moving my eyes.

“Thanks…?”

“I'm just saying… It surprising how well it grew in after that God-awful haircut.”

“Oh, shut up.” She grumbled before looking to me. “So, do you know where you guys are moving to?”

“All I know is we’re not moving out of state. The drive could be hours away from here…”

“Couldn't you stay behind?”

I chuckled. “Kenny doesn't like being a ‘father-figure’ but he wants to be able to keep tabs on me, at least.”

“You're turning eighteen in just a few months.” Farlan said.

“True. But that's four months away.”

Once I moved, we wouldn't be able to just see each other on whim, whenever we wanted to. I'd miss that. If anything, I knew there would at least be two hours between us. The two people I see as better family than those related to me by blood. We all grew up together. I guess it couldn't hurt to try to ask, right? The worse that could happen is he says no. I, however, wouldn't bring this up. I wouldn't want to get their hopes up for something like that.

We sat for another hour or two talking. I paid the bill, and we went back to the truck. I figured Isabel would have an idea on where to go next.

I don't remember making it to the truck, or hearing the engine turn, or hearing Farlan or Isabel talking, or driving at all. I guess maybe it didn't happen because I just…

woke up.


	13. Chapter 13

The first sense to be triggered: smell; smoke, flooding into my lungs as I inhaled. One would think, after all the time I’ve spent smoking, that I'd be used to this and it wouldn't bother me; but this was a different kind of smoke. Burning metal, burning rubber, burning…  
Second: taste; as I inhaled, after those few moments of initial discovery of consciousness, I could taste the smoke and the ravenous burning sensation that flowed throughout my upper body.  
Third: feeling; heat…, heat…, heat…. Hot... Smoldering... Burning... Scalding... Adrenaline, at a peak. Lungs, withering, threatening to stop the intake of the smoke wildly corrupting them. Eyes, heated, burning, wet—eyes watering; can't see, my eyes are closed so tightly.  
Fourth: hearing; for a while, it was yelling, then hissing, some crackling, someone screaming out something inaudible to me,—

A hand came up onto my shoulder before I heard that arm plop down onto the ground.

—sirens wailing, coming closer and closer… Closer…

I heard the car door opening, with obvious struggling from whoever was trying to open it. I felt a hand, again, come to my waist. A click, and I was falling.

I didn't go very far, though. My head collided with the ground, followed by my shoulders. There was someone with hands under both my shoulders, going about pulling me out. It was only then that the pain from whatever-the-hell decided to register into my brain, and my entire body felt like it was on fire, it was stinging, it was aching, it was throbbing. Just… pain, surging through the my whole body.

I felt a few more hands on my body, lifting me up off the ground and onto a padded surface with a little creaking sound as I was settled fully. Straps pulled over my body and tightened. I felt something on my face, with a pipe or something touching my upper chest. Felt my body be pushed to the sides without any physical contact, the sound of metal creaking and clasping, locking, and then wheels squeaking and brushing over a rough surface. When I couldn't feel the smoke so potently within me, I decided to open my eyes. People everywhere, flashing lights… The car… overturned, smoking. I saw a blond blurred blob of color, being pulled off on a stretcher. Red hair? Nowhere to be found. I wanted to be optimistic and think she had already been off to be delivered to the hospital, but, come on, how can you be optimistic after seeing and being part of all the chaos of _that_?

I couldn't breath; and a large part of me didn't want to anymore.

My eyes felt heavy… My chest was tight… gasping… getting heavier… hard to breathe… heavier… wheezing… Closed…

A conscious mind aware of the noise all around me before _nothing_.

And I could've sworn I was dead.

* * *

I woke up in a mostly-monochromatic room—primarily white, with some grey and silver on counters and cupboards and such, blue-grey linoleum tile, blue-grey chair in the corner of the room, darker than the floor—with the sensation of being high, but I knew I hadn't just smoked up.

I'm in a hospital, I thought, and assumed it was some high-dosed painkiller. Not a pill, no. They wouldn't want to go through that hassle. Instead, it’d be in a liquified state, running through an IV…

I looked down at my body, or, well, blanket-covered lump with two arms on either side. Left side, I had a heart rate monitor. Right side, IV needle. On my face, tubing, going into my nose. It was uncomfortable, but I wasn't about to pull the thing off of myself. Oxygen. Something I'd been so heavily deprived of the… day before?

I couldn't tell what time it was, I just knew it was light outside. I guessed I came in sometime in the morning, around when school would have normally started, and it could be evening now. I knew a nurse would be coming in to do checks at some point—spent my fair share of time in a hospital.

I decided to just wait.

* * *

My eyes were closed, I wasn't asleep. I forced them shut. They were burning, stinging. It was mitigated some with me closing my eyes, but still present.

A click of the door, followed by the light tapping-clicking sound of shoes against linoleum.

I opened my eyes then. Partially because I wanted to see who it was, and partially because I wanted it to be known that I was awake.

“Oh, you're awake.” The man commented. “How are you feeling?”

“Peachy.”

“Any pain?” He walked around to the machines and equipment to my right.

“I can tolerate it… but… If I could get eye drops or something, it'd be appreciated.”

“I'll go and try to find something for you… just…” He looked down at a clipboard and wrote some things down. “... need to do a vitals check.”

“What happened?”

He stopped writing briefly and looked at me. “You were in a car accident—”

“I-I-I know that much. But, like, how? And—” I sucked in a breath and paused as I attempted to catch my breath. “There were two others with me… What happened to them?”

“I don't know much about the accident, just that the car was overturned. The other two in the car… The female died during the crash… The male… is putting up quite the fight, as far as I know.”

_‘I shouldn't have been driving…’_

I sank into the bed, staring up at the ceiling. “Go ahead and finish whatever you were doing,” I said.

_‘We should have just gone to school…’_

I waited until he left to have my breakdown. I’d be damned if I let some fucking stranger see me in such a state.

I sat up, burying my face in the palms of my hands.

* * *

I, still being shackled to the hospital, was unable to attend Isabel’s funeral; and, since Farlan didn’t last through the surgery, I was unable to attend his funeral, too.

Kenny knew how much of a blow that was for me.

I would end up being on twenty-four/seven surveillance for the duration of my stay in the hospital, and, even after, Kenny would be eyeing me closely—the only order by the doctor’s he actually followed—when I got out. And I would be going back to therapy—well, physical therapy was added, along with a mental/psyche therapist—and back on medications. Wellbutrin was the first I went back on, since I'd been on and off it for a couple years. Fluoxetine was added. After I expressed an issue with sleeping to my psychiatrist, I was put on Quetiapine.

Medications change more often than one might think.

A month after the accident, and I’m sitting on the front steps of the new house, arms resting upon my knees, a hand holding the butt of a cigarette in my mouth between two fingers.

“Moving too damn slow, Levi!” my uncle called to me from behind, inside the house.

I grimaced and rolled my shoulders back, taking the cigarette out of my mouth and exhaling. “It’s because I’m not moving at all!” I called back.

I heard his shoes against the stone porch, the small pieces of chipped-away rock flinging away with each step. He kneed my shoulder—no doubt knowing it was my freshly-out-of-cast shoulder to add an extra “kick” of pain—as he walked down the steps. With his unanticipated act, I ended up stumbling at first and losing my balance, falling forward onto my knees and catching myself from falling fully by pressing my palms into the concrete, scraping some skin off of the surface of both, my cigarette had been knocked off and away somewhere.

“Dick.” I growled, glaring at his back as he continued on.

I huffed and got up onto my feet, not bothering to brush off the bit of dirt and small pieces of chipped-away rock from my pants, only slap-brushing said small pieces from my hands as I walked forward, not bothering with the cigarette.—We’ll just hope nothing catches on fire, won’t we?—I followed behind Kenny, several feet away, to the moving truck. I waited, a little off to the side, as he picked up a box and headed for the house.

The doctor put a limit on how much I was “supposed” to carry, but I, of course, was going to go against the “doctor’s orders.” I thought, “Well fuck that”; _I_ know what I’m capable of, _I_ know what my limits are. Two, because Kenny wouldn’t have that; kind of for the same point as my number one. And also kind of only for the first part of that point.

I pulled a box to the edge and stacked two smaller, lighter boxes, though of differing sizes nonetheless, on top before turning from the truck and making my way up to the house. I set the boxes down in the living room—when you walked in, you were in a hallway, and immediately to the left was the living room. There were a dozen or so boxes there already; things to go in the kitchen, Kenny’s room, the living room, etcetera. Everything that I knew were mine, I took straight to my room.

The hallway, when you first walk in, if you walk straight ahead, you’re in another hallway. There’s a door right in front of you there, a “spare room,” I guess. Turn and face the right; all the way in front, a closet, to the left was my room that has a bathroom inside it, and to the right, across from my room, was another room. Face the antithetical way, a long stretch of hallway with a bathroom to the right, between the “spare room” and the open end of the hall, which is where the kitchen was.

That side of the house doesn’t matter though. Not yet.

For now, what to know, is that I’d spend another half an hour unloading the truck, and then, within a week, Kenny and I will have unpacked everything—of course, Kenny would unpack his things to go in his own bedroom, and I would be doing the same for my own bedroom. That week would also be my last week off spent for “healing.” It was the “doctor’s orders,” but I really think Kenny just wanted some help around the house.

* * *

My first day back to school is going to be hard, I thought.

Though it was far too late to turn back, Kenny already drove me here and I’m sure he’s already gone in and asked a bunch of anonymous people to play babysitter for the school day. Or, maybe not; but he may think that I’m going to think that way, so that’s what he’s betting on and there’s no one hawking me… or maybe… he thinks that I’m going to think that way, and then think I think no one’s really—

Fuck this.

_I’m going to school today._

I just have to keep telling myself that, and hope it's just enough to get me through a day.

It's several weeks into the new school year, so I suspected the workload to be enough to warrant the carrying of a backpack–binder, a couple notebooks, loose leaf paper, pencils... I also have my cellphone in my back pocket and a couple cigarettes and a lighter in a tin box, you know, “basic necessities,” along with a change of clothes for gym.—

… I had a choice in the classes I'd be taking, and one of them happened to be gym.

—White sweater over a black t-shirt, grey jeans and black converse. I decided to go the quiet route and put headphones in. I didn't have any music playing, I just figured it'd keep people from bothering me. I fixed my eyes on the two papers I held; one being my schedule, and the other being a map of the campus—lucky me.

I took out the headphones, winding then around my phone as I walked through the already-open door, dark eyes looking around the room for an open seat. I put my phone in my backpack, holding it by one strap as I began to walk down an aisle.

“Excuse me—”

I looked over my shoulder to see that the adult in the room was speaking to me. I stopped, letting out a heavy breath as I turned my body in her direction.

She made a hand gesture that said “Come here.”

I walked to her desk.

“Who might you be?”

 _‘Well I_ might _be anyone but—’_

“A new student, uh… ‘Levi Ackerman’?” She looked surprised, like she never got the news beforehand and new students were a rare commodity. “My name may not be on your roster, but I have yours on my schedule.” He shrugged his shoulders and tilted his head, offering the woman a charming—mischievous?—smile. “Kind’a the same thing, right? You know, like synonymous.” I learned that tossing big words around with adults tends to get you things, get you places…

At least… sometimes…

She shook her head, “Just take a seat. I'll get you a textbook by the end of the day, okay?”

Not like it would have mattered much here.

I nodded and turned away from her, smile quickly washing away and a torrent of disgust and vexation carved itself into a prominent mask. My heart was racing, palms sweating, knees wobbly. That took everything out of me. Probably the closest to “confident” I'd get that day.

Five aisles, five desks in each. I was in the fourth aisle, fourth seat. I preferred the very back corner of a classroom. I dropped my bag onto the ground next to a desk and plopped down into a seat, nearly sliding off over the other edge. I quickly grabbed the edges of the table to catch myself, hoping nobody was staring at me.

I bit at the bottom of my lip, bringing my hands together on top of the desk, sitting up straight. I looked around the classroom, noting the windows on one side of the classroom, directly to the outside—my school before this didn't have windows in the classrooms.

I raised a palm to rest my chin on and got out a notebook, going about writing notes as the teacher went along.

After a while, somebody tapped on my right shoulder. I looked over. Blond hair, bright blue eyes.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Hey. It's been awhile."

For a few moments—and, really, primarily because I sat without any name—I wanted to refer to them as ‘Bright Eyes,’ but then I thought about how cliche that is, with people who use that being so great in numbers. ‘Blondie’ was a no-go, too, for the same reason.

__

_I had looked them in the eyes the whole time there but, once they started talking, I had given them a quick once-over._

_—Or paste that sticky note somewhere for later, when I come up with a ‘decent’ nickname for the kid._

_Then, in the softest voice, they said quietly, almost inaudible,—and I assumed it was to not disturb the class—“I’m Historia,” she said with a smile. “You said your name, but I don’t think I heard it too well…—” her smile looked kind, and, overall, she looked rather innocent._

__Something’s wrong here_ , I decided._

_“It’s Levi.”_

_She had an elbow against the desk and pressed a fist to her cheek, supporting her head, showing how full her cheeks were (and adding on to how childlike I had already been viewing her). She looked to be thinking about something attentively._

_After growing impatient—mainly caused by the face she was making, one that looked something like she was making an assessment of me… and it wasn’t looking so good on my part—I finally cut off whatever thoughts she was having. “What?” I asked, my annoyance hiding just under the mat—you know very well it’s there, but do you choose to uncover it, or do you choose to pretend it’s not there?_

_She looked surprised for a moment, lifting her head and widening her eyes. “Oh, sorry.” Still a quiet voice, “I was thinking that I maybe saw you before or something...” She shrugged. “But probably not,” she said, looking away from me; I guessed that I had scared her._

_I turned away from her completely, resting my head in my now-raised hand, staring off towards the teacher. I’d spend that class time thinking to myself, and ignoring what else was going on in the classroom. My two classes that followed that first one, I actually did work. The classes seemed more enjoyable._

_I’d walked into my fourth period classroom, but the teacher, after I mentioned to her that I was new, informed me that I have first lunch. I left quickly after that, and walked to the cafeteria.—I had known where it was, as I passed by it going to one of my previous classes.—I stood in the open doorway and looked around at all the other kids._

_Every school, no matter what grade you’re in—pre-school, elementary, middle, high—there’s always “clique’s”, exclusive groups. As you get older, the “rules” get tighter. High school, however, is a lot more difficult. People are more creative, with their “colorful commentary”. In other words, high school is brutal, if you don’t play your cards right._

_It’s generally easy to tell the “preppy” kids apart from the others. They just have a certain look—they’re Barbie’s or Ken’s, but look far more bitchy or asshole-y. I say “Barbie” and “Ken” because they all look kind of the same, like they were just copied and pasted and shipped to photoshop, where they got different hair colors, and styles._

_If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, you’re probably one of those people. I don’t have to know you, physically talk to you, to decide I dislike you. They’re all the same, even in personality and attitude. I already know how they operate, and, although I could manage to fit in there—I can adapt to different “environments”, and change my outward-personality accordingly—I always choose not to. I avoid those people as much as I can._

_In high school, I know you can bond with just about everyone if you share something in common. That something, though, has a tendency to be drugs. People can get alcohol anywhere, but if you can manage to score people some kind of drug? You’re set. But you have to be careful, because some people are snitches. You can wind up suspended, expelled, or worse._

_No one at this school would find out about what I do in my off time._

_At any rate, I said “Fuck this.” to the cafeteria and walked back out. I wandered the halls to find some side entrance door so I could leave and draw as little attention as possible. When I walked out of the school, I quickened my pace and pulled out my phone to message Kenny and tell him I was leaving for the day. I made sure to tell him I was walking home, so he wouldn’t think he had to pick me up and be all pissy about it, or he wouldn’t think I’m asking-without-asking him to pick me up, and be all pissy about that, and refuse to pick me up._

_I made it through most of the day. I only have four classes, and I managed to make it to three. I think I’ll give myself a pat on the back for that._

_[hr]_

_I got back home, and saw that Kenny’s car was absent, so he wasn’t there. I walked up to the door and unlocked it before walking in, making sure to lock it behind me. I walked around to my room and set my things down, plopping down on my bed and laying on my back. I laid there for a minute before sitting up and going about taking my shoes and socks off._

_I grabbed my pack from on top of my table and lit a cigarette, taking in a good couple of hits, before I continued. I held the cigarette in my mouth with my teeth gently as I took my jeans and shirt off._

_I can’t expect normal people to understand, but those actions alone were draining as hell. I ditched my original idea of getting into sweatpants and a shirt and laid down on my bed, finishing off my cigarette and putting it out in my ashtray. I laid on my back, propped up halfway by pillows, one of my legs flat, the other bent, and standing up at and apex. I may sound totally awful, but I had lit and smoked most of a bowl pack, and ended up passing out, lighter in one hand, bowl in the other, which arm was on my stomach._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At a "fuck this" point, where I may or may not add a chapter summary and/or title.
> 
> I had been prolonging this as long as I could, then I realized how long it'd been.
> 
>  
> 
> ... Oops?


End file.
